The Word "Just"

My patients in cognitive therapy know that I am very averse to ever  using or hearing the word "should," except in limited situations.  Here is another word that is on my blacklist--"just."

I don't avoid this word entirely, but it can be destructive at times.

Here are some examples that I think are very unhelpful:
To an ADHD child--"If you would just sit still..."; "If you would just pay attention..."
To an obese person--"If you would just eat less..."; "If you would just exercise..."
To a depressed person--"If you would just start thinking positively..."; "If you would just get out and be around people..."
From one spouse to another: "If you would just try to remember what I tell you..."

And so on.

The fact is that oftentimes, if people could do one of these actions, they would.

What do all of these have in common? They imply that there is a kind of moral failure of willpower which could be remedied by turning on or off a switch.  They ignore the complexities of the brain, of past learning history, of the overall body physiology and chemistry, and of reinforcement patterns in the home.

That is not to say that there are not problems that need to be solved.  However, using the word "just" does not solve the problems and make them better.  It can do the opposite; it can make problems worse by evoking shame in the other person.  

When can the word be used?  I think it can be used in an encouraging way rather than as a put down.  For a child trying to learn fraction division, it might possibly be helpful to say, "All you have to do is just turn the second one upside down and then multiply them."  This could encourage the child to see it as easy extension of something they already know how to do rather than having the mindset that it is hard.  However, if the child has difficulty with math, then this statement could also become somewhat of a put down.

The word is sometimes helpful in our self talk.  For example, if I were anxious about going into a job interview, it might be helpful for me to say to myself, "All I have to do is put on a cheerful face, take a deep breath, and answer his/her questions."  In other words, the word "just" can be a way of telling myself that I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

So be careful with the word "just."  Use it wisely and carefully; and pay attention to how it affects other people when you use it with them.

Coping with COVID

It has been a long time since I published my last blog.  I guess I thought that I had run out of things to say.

Well, I haven't.

COVID came along and my patients have run into many new problems, including and above all, problems with interpersonal isolation.

I have become convinced that we are creatures evolved for close, intimate contact, such as one would find in tribal and village life.  City life with its anonymity is relatively new (in the last 100-200 years).  We are suited for interpersonal contact and interactions.  Our brains function optimally when we have to look each other in the eye and have to talk to each other.

Now even before COVID, there were some problems with people being too isolated.  People stayed in their homes with central heat and air and rarely acknowledged each other on the street.  But COVID has created isolation on steroids.  We are more isolated than we want to be, than we should be.  The effect on most of my patients has been lethargy (a blah feeling) and depression.

For that reason, I am encouraging my patients to see me by Zoom rather than by telephone.  I want them to look me in the eye, and I want to do the same.  I want to experience the illusion that we are in the room together, and I want them to have that, too.

(However, if Zoom and Facetime are not available then telephone is the next best thing.)

Our physical bodies need to distance from each other, but isolation is terrible for our minds.  Our brains need the stimulation of being right there with someone.

I am very fortunate.  I am able to practice what I preach.  Here is what I might be able to experience in a week:

Sunday: Zoom Sunday School

Monday:  3-5 hours therapy by telephone or Zoom

Tuesday:  3-5 hours therapy by telephone or Zoom

Wednesday:  3-5 hours therapy by telephone or Zoom

Wednesday evening:  Sunday School socializing

Thursday:  3-5 hours therapy by telephone or Zoom

Friday: Psychologist consultation and support group by Zoom

Saturday: My wife's extended family meets on Zoom

I am not trying to toot my own horn here.  I am simply saying that I practice what I preach.  I know that I need the interpersonal contact, and I believe that my patient's need it, too.

There are exceptions.  Some of my patients with agoraphobia find it easier to tell others why they stay home so much.  They feel less need to explain themselves.  Other than that, most of my patients appear to be negatively affected.

So, in summary, get on Zoom.  If you can't, then get on the phone with people.  Get out of the house and drive around.  (You can keep your distance or even roll up your windows to be safe if you like).  Stay out of stores if you can, but be creative in how you can interact with others.  Get some visual stimulation.  Drive some places that you haven't been before.  Give your brain something new to look at.

Social contact is not so much like a drug that makes you feel better immediately.  It is more like a vitamin.  If you don't have it, you eventually start to pay the price after awhile.