Why do people fall out of love? I have asked myself this many times as I have worked with clients. What went wrong that these two people have come to this point of distance, or indifference, or anger, or even hate? It is often hard for me to imagine what has caused such a wrenching change in a couple's relationship.
Most of us understand that love cannot continue in its white hot state forever. But still, why does it go away entirely?
There are both active reasons and passive reasons.
The passive reason is that we ignore it. It is a plant starved at the roots because it is not fed. It is taken for granted. And many times, the energy given to the children is one reason that it is not nourished. That energy is needed elsewhere. Or we funnel the energy to our jobs.
On the other hand, there is an active reason as well. We kill it. We kill it when we allow discussions to become arguments, and arguments to become fights. Arguments are inevitable, but they can be limited in their scope and time duration to do less harm. We kill it when we threaten divorce over and over. Long, ongoing arguments, or arguments where divorce is mentioned, are destructive. And then sometimes arguments beomce fights. In fights, people try to hurt each other.
So my recommendation to couples is to nourish the relationship. Give it time and energy. And limit arguing. Limit its scope and its length. And never, ever, fight. That is, never, ever try to hurt the other person.
Try to remember what made you fall in love with the other person to begin with. Try to bring back those feelings by remembering how wonderful it was and all the things which initially attracted you to them.
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