Four Ways to Be Positive with Your Spouse--Your Words, Your Prosody, Your Nonverbal Behavior, and Your Actins

I have written before about being positive with your spouse and establishing positive reciprocal behaviors (if you give out positives, you are more likely to get positives back from them.)

I have come to understand that our communication with other people is multichannel.  (Translation:  There are several ways that we can be positive with our spouse, and there are several ways that we can be negative with our spouse, simultaneously.) 

There are at least four channels on which we are communicating at any one time:

1.  What are we saying?  What is the verbal content?  If it was written down, would it be positive or negative?

2.  What is the tone in our voice?  This is our prosody.  Think of it as the melody in the voice.  It can be friendly or mean, inviting or critical.

3.  What is our facial expression saying, and what is our body language saying?  Are we smiling, grimacing, or frowning as we deliver our message?

4.  Finally, what are we actually doing?  Are we doing something nice for the person (e.g. preparing them food) or something mean (throwing something, slamming things, breaking things, hitting them)?  Do we follow through on the things we have promised?  Do we remember the special dates, birthdays, and anniversaries?

These four ways of responding to our significant others would seem to exhaust the multichannel communication.  But they don't.  We are also communicating with our pheromones.  These are "invisible scents."  We don't know that they are being emitted by our bodies, but they are.  And the other person does not know that their brain is receiving them, but they are.

And there is probably at least one other type of communication going on, although perhaps less established scientifically--our pupil size.  When we see something we like, our pupils get larger.  the other person's brain may be able to pick up on that, and in turn, the second person's pupils may adjust.  This can be another type of back and forth communication.

But let's stick with the first four because we can't control our pheromones and our pupil size.

As we attempt to reverse the flow of negative reciprocity in a relationship to positive reciprocity, something which can be difficult, words alone are unlikely to be able to do it.  Compliments and positive observations about our partner are a good place to start, but more is needed.

We need to remember that we are communicating with the nonverbal behaviors--the look in our face, out body posture (are we turned towards them or away from them when they are talking to us).  What is our body language saying?  Is it positive or negative?  Are we pointing a finger at them?  Are we avoiding eye contact?

Then there is our prosody (pronounced PRAW-suh-dee).  Prosody is defined by the online Merriam Webster dictionary as meaning "3. the rhythmic and intonational aspect of language."  I think that this is often overlooked in our marital communication.  Words can be positive but if they don't have a certain melodic sound, the full positive quality of a message can be tempered or totally lost.

I have to pay close attention to my prosody when I am going to the hospital to test a new patient.  They don't know me.  Why should they open up and trust me?  I have to use every aspect of communication when I introduce myself to convey that I am there to help them, through my words, my nonverbal behavior, and my tone of voice.  Unfortunately, I think that after years of marriage, people simply don't put out the energy to use a friendly, pleasant tone with their spouse.  Their voice with their spouse can become flat--or even grouchy.  Watching the words we use is a fairly obvious way of being positive.  But we communicate with more than words.  The lilt or melody of our voice is our prosody.  Sometimes I think that our tone may be even more important than the words we use.  If you watch a mother talking to a newborn, she uses very exaggerated prosody.  It is a friendly prosody.  The infant hardly needs to understand the words.  The tone says it all.  It is warm.  It is friendly.  It is loving.

Finally, what are our actions saying?  It is said that men often express affection by doing things for their wife--mowing the lawn, taking care of the house and car.  I often like it when my wife offers to bring me a cup of hot tea when I am at the computer.

So, when trying to create a positive atmosphere in a relationship, remember these four things--words, body language, tone, and actions.  Give your partner something which is really positive.