The Problem with Anger

First of all, I want to make it clear that anger is a normal feeling. There's nothing unhealthy about feeling angry now and then. In fact, it would be abnormal and unhealthy not to feel angry now and then. The problem with anger comes when it loses its rightful proportion in our life.

First of all, let's take a relatively common situation. You are driving in traffic, and another driver cuts you off. He is driving recklessly, perhaps speeding. The typical response of most persons is anger, and that would be normal and natural. The anger comes--it peaks--and it goes away. We forget about it.

However, for some people, the anger comes, and then it gets stronger and stronger. The reasons for this are not fully understood. But one reason it can happen is that persons are using negative self talk to build up their anger. "That stupid person. How dare he do that? Somebody ought to teach him a lesson!." This type of thinking increases the anger.

Another approach to the same situation would be to acknowledge one's anger and then steer a wide berth around such a person. That is, to let the anger come--and then to go, without the negative self talk strengthening the anger.

Some persons are chronically angry. They keep resentments alive on, and on, and on. This is not the same as anger. It is very unhealthy psychologically and physically. It has negative effects in every area of one's life.

I have been asked by some patients, and indeed I have asked myself at times, if this approach to anger isn't really just suppressing it. And suppression and repression can have negative consequences, too. The answer is no. First of all, I am recommending that you be fully aware of your anger at first. There is no suppression here. Secondly, I am recommending that you don't rehearse negative thoughts. In other words, there is a difference between smothering a fire and not putting more wood on a fire. Thirdly, I am recommending that after having an awareness of the feelings and thoughts, that you simply let go. You therefore maintain an awareness of all the thoughts and feelings that you did have, but you are choosing to let go. The choosing is an important part of the process. When you choose to do something, it is conscious and deliberate. This has no negative psychological effects as far as I know. In fact, it has positive effects because it frees you up to go on with your day in a positive constructive way. It also frees you from some of the negative physical effects of chronic anger. Some of these are explained in my handout on coping with anger at www.DrBeckham.com/CopingHandouts.htm .

Stress and Anger as Psychological "Luxuries" We Can't Afford

Most people think of stress and anger as simply part of life. We have to put up with them because they come with the territory of living. However, research increasingly indicates that both of these take a negative toll on our minds, bodies, and relationships.

Certainly, they are not totally avoidable. Some degree of stress is healthy for the body and mind. It actually strengthens us. But the old saying of Nietzche is not true--"Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger." In fact, what does not kill us may kill off brain cells and add fat to our waist. Excessive stress has been shown to harm cells in the hippocampus, which is a part of the brain central to storing memories. It has also been shown to lower the immune system's ability to fight off infection. Depression and anxiety can be triggered by stress in some individuals. For others, stress may lead to unhealthy use of alcohol and other substances.

The goal of the healthy individual need not be to eliminate stress altogether but to avoid very high, unusual levels of stress if possible. How can this be done? Many people believe that the stress they experience is totally beyond their control. But it is not. Here are some things which can be done to diminish stress.

First, live a healthy lifestyle. Do the obvious. That is, don't take excessive risks financially. Nurture and nourish relationships. Build for the future in both finances and social support.

Secondly, work on any excessive negative thinking. My web site has several handouts on how to do this (http://www.drbeckham.com/). Very often 50% or more of the stress we experience is of our own making from excessive negative thinking.

Deal with problems slowly, methodically, one at a time. Don't avoid problems. They will just pile up. And don't try to take on all problems at once. That will just overwhelm you.
Most of my clients have one of two different problems: either excessive negative thinking or avoiding problems. Working these two areas can do wonders for a person's stress level.

Next week: the "luxury" of anger.

Do I Have to Feel Guilty For Having Certain Thoughts?

One of the problems I encounter with my patients is that they have thoughts that make them feel guilty. Sometimes these are thoughts that are evaluating others. Sometimes, they are thoughts which are sexual in nature. Sometimes, they are simply unacceptable in other ways.

This is a very complicated subject, but let me begin by saying that one sure way to create psychological problems in ourselves is to try to reign in our thoughts too closely. This can sometimes lead to repression (thoughts being kept out of awareness through an unconscious process) or denial (when we emphatically deny at a conscious level what we are actually thinking or feeling).

The brain has a variety of structures within it, and they are not all equally under our control. The limbic system can generate emotions, impulses, and thoughts of a sexual, fearful, or hostile nature. It may take a few seconds before we realize what is happening and have a chance to begin to process these rationally. This is normal.

Another issue is the issue of evaluating others. Many people feel guilty because they believe they are judging others. This is partly a problem of words. Judging can be evaluating others (I don't think he looks good with orange hair), or condemning others (Only a worthless bum would have orange hair). Many religions warn against condemning others. However, a person would have to be brain dead in order not to evaluate situations. We evaluate because that's what our brain is built to do and trained to do. There is no sense in feeling guilty about that.

However, in judging people by condemning them in our minds as worthless, inferior, and so on, we are indeed putting ourselves in a very precarious position psychologically (and spiritually). Each person is who they are as a result of their genetics and personal experience as well as decisions they have made. When we judge others, we are in essence saying, "If I had had their genes and their family upbringing, I would be doing better than they." In fact, there is no way of knowing that. Perhaps we would be doing worse!

Judging as condemning can lead to excessive angry feelings. We can evaluate without it necessarily strengthening our anger. But to condemn is to be self righteous and almost always strengthens angry feelings.