The Symphony Orchestra--Finding Happiness

In his recent book, Flourish, Martin E. P. Seligman puts forward the idea that while happiness is one worthy goal in life, it cannot be the only goal  According to him, well being is constituted of five things, which can be put into the acronym of PERMA.

P--Positive emotion, happiness.  Seligman does list happiness as part of the goal of life and part of the measure of well lived life.  In his previous work, it was the capstone of life.  Now he lists it as one worthy aspect of living.

E--Engagement--This diverges from sheer positive emotion.  It is doing something which engages the person in life, whether it is operating a business, pursuing a creative activity, raising children, or something else.

R--Relationships--This speaks for itself.  Relationships are in themselves a worthwhile aspect of living.

M--Meaning--The finding of something which makes sense of life, which gives it a larger context than just doing something for the moment, and involves something more than just feeling good.

A--Achievement--Accomplishing something which has value or worth.

Now some of my definitions here may not be exactly what Seligman would approve of, but I think they come close enough.

I am not sure why he left out three other pursuits, although I guess he would say they are included in the above.  The three others which I would list are creativity, the shaping of the will, and altruistic love (referred to by Christians as agape).  Creativity might be subsumed under engagement, or even under achievement, but I would like to see it have its own acknowledged place.  The importance of the shaping of the will has been pointed out in the book Willpower by Baumeister.  I think it deserves its own place, too.  Seligman would most likely subsume agape under relationships.

However, one could probably keep coming up with more and more indispensable categories.

I don't know if the ultimate goal of life is happiness, PERMA, or altruistic love.  I suspect it is all of these.  But when I think of what constitutes a sense of life satisfaction for me, I realize that it is not just one thing.  It is the resonance created by a variety of things happening in my life.  It is like a symphony orchestra.  The musical score for my life doesn't have just violins, trumpets, and French horns.  It has a great variety of instruments and many people playing those instruments.  In a symphony, it is the diversity, unity in diversity, and overall resonance which produces such a pleasing and satisfying effect.  The total result is something above and beyond what any one instrument can produce by itself and beyond what any one musician can create by himself/herself.  It is a situation where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

On the other hand, while I am emphasizing here the importance of having a diversity of pursuits, I will admit that I have six goals listed above all others for myself.  I keep them on my Yahoo calendar "to do" list, so that I see them every time I log on to it.

I would encourage you to read both Flourish and Willpower.  Make up your own mind as to what is important in your life.  What are you aiming at?  Remember that according to Socrates (as quoted by Plato in his Dialogues, Apology), "The unexamined life is not worth living."  That may be a little harsh, but it is not far off the mark.  But I think that the point in this blog is a little different: if you have not examined your life to know what is likely to bring you the greatest satisfaction, then you are likely to accept lesser satisfactions or to use your time in less than optimal ways.

(Now I would like to point out that I do also believe in "goofing off."  But it does not bring me any deep satisfaction.)

Hopefully, you have a variety of aspects of your life that bring fulfillment, and hopefully you experience that sense of resonance which comes from pursuing not just one focus but several.  Now I don't want to be a snob here.  I know that there are many people in the world who cannot really get involved in a variety of activities because of financial reasons.  However, I think that at least in American society, there are almost always opportunities for relationships with others, hobbies, and educational advancement.  (These days one can practically get a college education online for free--not a degree but an education.) 

Now what about people who have singlemindedly pursued one major area: explorers, artists, athletes, and so on?  I suspect that even for these people, one area of pursuit isn't enough.  While they may initially channel all of their energy into one area, eventually most people seem to need a diversity in their experiences.

I asked an acquaintance of mine about how she felt about being retired.  She said it was wonderful; it was like being a third grader without parents telling you what to do.  This view of life has much to commend it.  There is so much to explore and learn about in the world.  I hope that you are successful in finding a sense of richness, well-being, and resonance in your life.

Life Interrupted--When the Curtain Comes Down in the Middle of the Fourth Act

For many of my clients, they have been planning thorughout their lives for some positive ending: retirement, time with their grandchildren, time together with their spouse, or maybe a time of travel and cruises.  Perhaps they were just looking forward to some calm years doing woodworking.  Or maybe they would have been content with having a good reputation in their career field and being respected for the way they had lived their lives.

For many of my clients, that anticipated life has been interrupted.

Imagine that we all live lives of five acts.  Let's say some of us want to live out romantic plays, some of us comedies, and some of us just nice sentimental plays where everyone gets along, the hero overcomes obstacles (but not too difficult obstacles), and so on. 

Life begins in the first act.  They are born; they start growing up.  Act two, they finish high school and go to college.  They date.  Act three, they are married and have children.  They have a career.  Problems arise.  (But again nobody wants really bad problems, so let's assume that the problems aren't too bad in this imaginary play.)

And then in the middle of the fourth act, something unexpected happens.  Something major.  Something which can't be surmounted.  The fifth act which they anticipated is not going to happen after all.  The romance is now a tragedy.  The comedy is no longer a comedy but something else, maybe a mystery.

Perhaps a person's spouse dies.  Perhaps someone is laid off and can no longer find work in the area they were trained for.  Perhaps they have been swindled out of their retirement savings.  Or their children no longer let them see their grandchildren.  The director announces that act five is not going to happen after all.

It is as if they were playing Hamlet, and in the middle of the fourth act someone walks in and says, "We are moving next door to another theater.  We are shutting down this theater.  And you will no longer being playing Hamlet; you will be playing MacBeth."  The trajectory and continuity of acts one through five is broken.  Things no longer make any sense.  "I trained as a physicist; now I am a Walmart greeter."  Or, "I spent my life raising my children, and now they won't let me be with my grandchildren."  Life no longer feels like it makes sense. There is not the feeling of meaning that they have been trying to create for years and years. 

It is as if they were living in a Thomas Kincaid painting of pleasant colors and cottages, and now they have to play out the fifth act as Job of the Old Testament, bereft of family and cattle, and covered with boils.

But what I am talking about is not just that things have taken a turn for the worse.  Life seems to have lost its meaning because the trajectory of their life no longer has continuity.  It is as if an artillery shell is fired into the air, and just as it starts to come down and reach its target, instead of continuing on its arc, it crashes into an invisible barrier, stops, and falls to the ground.  Or it's as if the shell suddenly turns and goes off in a different, wholly unanticipated direction.

When this loss of continuity and meaning happens to my clients, it can not only be depressing, it can make them feel disoriented, as if there is no meaning in life.  Whatever has happened to them may be relatively unique (coming down with a dread disease which occurs in .001% of the population), or common to others (becoming disabled by an accident). 

I try to help my patients see that even if their situation is somewhat unique, the overall issue of life interrupted is not unique.  They are part of a much larger and distinguished group of people (starting with Job of the Old Testament) who were in just the same predicament.  It may be that the desirable situation of life acts one through five flowing in logical sequence doesn't really exist for anyone.  Or maybe a lucky minority of people get to enjoy that progression.  I don't really know.  I do know that for many of my clients, life has been interrupted, and there is no choice but to piece together a new plan and a new sense of meaning.