It has seemed to me in my practice that I am dealing with more and more persons, particularly over the age of 50 but sometimes far younger, who are having significant problems with a lack of motivation. Sometimes these are people who have been quite active in the past and accomplished a lot. Now they find themselves not being very active, and it bothers them.
The Problem
This blog is written mainly for people who have been motivated in the past to do things and who, due to age, depression, or some othe reason find themselves in a temporary state of not being motivated. The techniques I discuss here are not likely to work in cases of what I might call "primary motivational problems" in which the brain was never very motivated (as in some cases of Autism Spectrum Disorder) or in which some fundamental change has occurred in brain function (as in frontal lobe dementia). This blog is aimed at persons who have had motivation and find themselves doing less than they did in the past. Their motivation may wax and wane. Some of these techniques are also likely to help persons with ADHD who have always had some problems with it but who at times can be highly motivated.
So first of all, a definition. Motivation is the drive that comes from within us to do things, accomplish things, create things, impact our environment, and be active. It is not simply the same as energy, but it is certainly linked to it. If one has little energy, then there is likely to be less motivation. If there is more energy, then it is easier for us to motivate ourselves.
Motivation is linked to the capacity to experience pleasure, but it is again not exactly the same. If there is no pleasure from doing things, then there is less motivation.
But even without energy and without pleasure, persons who have been active in the past may still have a type of motivation. They may at least "want to want to do something." That is, they may be dissatisfied with doing very little and at least wish the situation were different. They want to be more active and motivated but just don't know how to get there. In conditions I referred to as "primary" motivational problems, the person no longer wants to be more motivated, and/or they may never have experienced the desire to do more.
Part of my fascination with motivation comes from watching my grandson, who is almost a year old. Motivation is never an issue with him. Never. He always wants to do something. He always wants to climb or explore, or pry the cover off an electrical socket. Ouch. So motivation is not a problem for him. But many of the clients I work with have been motivated in the past but have lost that some time during their lives.
Possible Causes for the Problem
Where does the problem come from? Well, all emotion and behavior is rooted in the brain. (We now know that there may be some exceptions to this, but they are not the point here.) The brain is certainly the culprit for much of our lack of motivation. Motivation can come from the serotonin system, the domamine system, and the frontal lobes. For more information, see http://wings.buffalo.edu/aru/ARUreport01.htm .
There are undoubtedly psychological problems which interfere with out motivation. I think that poor parenting can interfere with our motivation. All children have to be told, "No, don't do that, don't touch that," etc. But too much scolding, punishment, and cautioning of children creates excessive inhibition and guilt. It is likely to carry into adulthood, creating a condition where we are more focussed on minding the rules than exploring and trying new things.
Clearly, for some if not most of my patients, depression has been a problem. It drains motivation. That is one of the symptoms of depression.
And then there is the role of natural aging. A lowering of motivation appears to be part of the life cycle. When I look around the assisted living center where my mother stays, most of these people are tired and seemingly not very motivated. Clearly, there are physical changes in brain and body which have led to their inactivity. Changes in the white matter of the frontal lobes of the brain may be partly responsible for low motivation in later years. But on the other hand, we all know that some older people stay mentally and physically active and alert. My mother reads a book a week. At 86, she can hold her own in any discussion. She is not as motivated as she used to be, but she is very inquisitive.
It is not clear that we need to accept decreased motivation with aging. Perhaps we do. But I am of the same mind as the poet Dylan Thomas who wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night--rage, rage against the dying of the light." I don't believe in dwindling away. We don't have to be rocket man over the grand canyon to stay active. (If you don't know what I'm talking about here, you really need to see the video on Youtube of the man flying over the Grand Canyon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4CX-8Eo_6I ).
But age undoubtedly has some effect on us. Chuck Yeager, the famous test pilot is reputed to have said, "There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots."
Our Environment Changes Too
There is a scene in the movie Chariots of Fire where they are entering Cambridge, and there are a variety of activities the freshmen can join in It's a scene that reminded me of my own high school and college years. That type of cafeteria of available activites is usually not spread before us in later life. And we don't have the energy to pursue all of those activities.
But maybe it would be nice if there was a "high school" or "college" for us to attend our whole lives long. There would be plenty of people to meet and associate with and plenty of activities to engage in. There might be less premature aging and fewer couch potatoes among us if we had more choices. Some large churches provide this type of atmosphere. This kind of social setting can give us social and intellectual stimulation. There would always be clubs to join, and things to try out.
Then there is the issue of feeling like what we do matters. When we work at a job, there is often an overall sense that no matter whether we like our job or not, it matters to somebody. A customer's roof gets put on and protects against the weather, or it doesn't get put on and the customer suffers. Somebody's clothes get cleaned or they don't have the clean clothes to wear. A customer at a restaurant is served, or they don't get fed a meal. Once we retire, we are mostly doing things for ourselves. Our behaviors don't necessarily "attach to" or relate to the outside world. As a result, there is no boss who is going to be pleased or displeased and there is no issue of whether we get a paycheck or not. Who is going to care and who is going to be affected if we clean out the garage or just watch TV instead?
I sometimes wonder if the active, motivated state that we have during a regular work week somehow carries over to mowing or cleaning the house on weekends. In other words, I think that it is good for our brains to have to do things and work hard; it is my belief that staying motivated and active through the work week keeps our brains "tuned up" so to speak, perhaps through greater use of the neurons and/or through greater blood flow.
The Negative Side of Habits.
As we will see, habits can be a positive effect on motivation; but just for a moment, let's admit that maybe there is a downside to certain habits. I suspect that building up habit patterns over a life time may interfere with breaking out of ruts and trying new things. For example, if our habit is to have breakfast with the guys at McDonalds on Saturday, get a haircut, mow the lawn, and then drink a beer Saturday evening, followed by church and watching NFL football on Sunday, could those habits interfere with acquiring new behaviors? Possibly. On the one hand, these are good things to do, and it helps us to be able to do them easily without really having to decide to do them. However, some behavioral habit patterns may also prevent us from trying new things in life.
Some Techniques to Work on Motivation
Here are some possible ways of motivating yourself when you feel like you are not really doing as much as you want to in life.
1. Commit yourself to a goal or action in front of other people--Let other people know what you plan to do. It motivates some people to follow through when they have made a public or semi-public commitment to a course of action. ("I am going to build a new deck for my house; I am going to take a course in French. Etc.")
Or similarly, belong to a group that encourages you towards your goal and to whom you report your success. Psychologist M.E.P. Seligman writes about an online group to which he belongs. All the members encourage each other to stay on their exercise regimens through email.
2. Reinforce yourself--Give yourself something out of the ordinary for following through. The trickiest part of this strategy is not rewarding yourself with the same reward at other times. For example, if the reward for cleaning out the car is a Starbucks coffee, then it is important to not have Starbucks in the week or so leading up to the time to clean the car.
3. Creative procrastination. If you just can't seem to set that dentist's appointment for next week, set it up for a few weeks out, or even a few months out. It may seem easier. Then when the time rolls around, just keep the appointment.
4. Do a little bit. Sometimes doing just a little bit of something can be energizing. After doing a little bit, one may find it easier to take the next few steps. If not, then at least something has been done. If necessary, do the simplest, most minimal amount just to get started. If you need to have an appliance repairman come to the house, put the phone book on the desk in plain sight. This may lead you to a chain of behaviors that eventually gets the appliance repaired.
5. Get your spouse to give you a nudge. Tell him or her what you are trying to do, and get them to remind you or prompt you to do what you really want to do. When they do remind you, don't take it out on them. They are just doing what you told them to do.
6. Find a different time of day. This blog on motivation has taken me a long time. I find that I just don't have the motivation to work on this blog about motivation in the evening. :) But it has written itself in the morning. Find the right time of day.
7. Build habits. While I wrote about the downside of habits above, the upside is probably greater than the downside. If appropriate, find something which is done every day at the same time, or perhaps every week at the same time. If you build a habit, you don't have to make a conscious decision to do it. It is my habit to get on the computer to pay bills, work on blogs, and balance my checkbook every morning. That is a good habit. I don't have to decide what to do; I just do it. And as a result, it gets done and without having to force myself to do it.
8. Become part of a group which has regular activities; this way you stay active without having to plan every single activity yourself. And there will be people there expecting to see you.
9. Go places that would stimulate you to want to do more. If you are an amateur astronomer, and there is a company that sells telescopes, go to their showroom. If you are a sportsman, go to a Bass Pro Shop. If you are an artist, visit an arts supply store. See if this stimulates your interest.
10. Use reminders. Put up pictures to remind you of things you enjoy doing. If you have a boat in storage and never use it, put up a picture of it in your office or home to remind you how much fun you have with it.
11. One of my favorite strategies is taking lessons. But I will admit that it can be expensive. My piano and painting lessons are not too bad, but the flying lessons are killing me. But not only am I motivated to do my homework and keep doing my hobbies, it makes me feel good that I am learning new things.
12.Schedule activities. Have regularly recurring activities. Again, this way, you don't really have to make a decision to do something. And you don't have to decide what to do; and you don't have to work as hard making arrangements for the activities.
13. Clear away the negative thoughts that would interfere with trying things. What kinds of negative thoughts? Well, I don't know what yours would be, but here are some that people might encounter:
I'm too old for this.
I'll fail.
I'll look stupid.
I'll never stick with it.
This is for young people, not for me.
Then there are other negative thoughts that may have some validity that you may need to find a way of solving:
I don't have the money for this.
I will pay for it tomorrow with aches and pains.
I'm not as mentally sharp as you used to be.
Some of these thoughts may have some validity. But that doesn't mean that they have to totally dominate your decision making and prevent you from doing some of the things you want to do. Just make the necessary adjustments to the activity so that maybe it will work for you.
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Monday, September 10, 2012
Monday, March 05, 2012
Don't Give Up on the Steep Part of the Learning Curve
I started flying again yesterday. I hadn't been up in the air for about 10 years (in a small plane), and I went up with an instructor to get my flight review. It's been awhile, so it will take more than one review session.
Some things went smoothly and some were more difficult. I've been here before--on the steep part of the learning curve. Actually, I'm on a re-learning curve, but it's just as steep as anything when I first learned to fly, because when I first learned, we took everything slowly. Now, I'm trying to relearn everything about small plane flying in a few weeks.
After my first hour back up in the air, I was both exhilarated and tired. A part of me was asking, "Do I really want to do this?" Fortunately, I recognize this steep part of the learning curve. I've been there with my oil painting and with my jazz piano, and I know that the steepest part of the curve doesn't last. The fun, easy parts are coming.
Unfortunately, many of our children are not learning how to persevere. We need to teach them that the steepest parts of the learning curve don't last, and that it is worth going through them to get to our goals.
This relates a little to another issue I was pondering last night. I was watching my grandson with his first efforts at crawling. My wife commented on how much energy he was putting into learning how to crawl. Now, in my line of work, one of the main things on which I work with people is their motivation. Clients often come in to my office with very little motivation to do things. (Fortunately, they have enough motivation to get to my office--so that's a start!) They may be depressed. Or there may be some other issue which interferes with them accomplishing goals. The thought struck me last night, as I was watching him struggle so mightily to crawl and to move himself around the carpet, "Don't all children start being motivated like this? How and why does such tremendous motivation go away? How do we become couch potatoes?"
Here are a few answers I came up with.
1. Depression
2. Dementia
3. Harsh parenting
4. Lax parenting
5. A culture that addicts us to TV and video games
6. A general decline in physical energy
7. Perhaps a programmed decline in mental motivation (that is, the natural life cycle of our brain)
8. Negative learning experiences--experiences in life in which we "learn" or think that we learn that we are helpless and cannot influence our environment or achieve things.
Notice that I did not include laziness in my list. Those who have read some of my past blogs will understand why. I do not consider laziness to be a scientific explanation. It is a moral explanation. It does not really explain anything. Consider my grandson for example. Let's say that he becomes "lazy" by the time he is 14. He does not look lazy now. If he is acting "lazy" by then, there will have to be some kind of reason. So enough of that word. I don't like to use it.
So what other word can we use? The word (or words) would be "lack of motivation." It is a description without moralizing. So let's look at the above list of reasons one more time. (This list is in no particular order. I just started with depression and dementia because I see a lot of them in my practice.)
1. Depression. Depression can be inherited. It can also be the result of severe stress. Life sometimes wears us out by the stresses we face. Clinical depression is more than just the blues, and it definitely results in a severe loss of motivation. It is not clear just how much people truly recover from severe depression. Not only may they be unmotivated during the depression, they may not return fully to their previous levels of interest and activity without some encouragement.
2. Dementia. Dementia starts being a problem for some people in their '70s, and sometimes earlier. In the early phases, people have less and less motivation to do new things.
3. Harsh parenting. I think that harsh parenting may temporarily lead to more motivation of a sort. People feel driven to do things out of anxiety and fear. But I think it takes the joy out of life. It removes the joy of exploring life and doing new things. In the end, harsh parenting often leads to compulsive or passive-aggressive behavior, not to a joyous trying out new things. Harsh parenting often leads to low self-esteem and other types of negative thinking, such as pessimism; and these lead to low motivation.
4. Lax parenting. Huh? Am I not contradicting myself here? Just because harsh parenting may lead to problems with motivation, that does not mean that lax parenting leads to good things. (If I had to label the in-between type of parenting, I might call it something like "structured parenting.") Lax parenting does not teach children how to persevere when they become discouraged. We all feel like giving up on some new endeavor at times. Parents who let us give up easily are not doing us any favor. Parents who park us in front of a TV set or video game to keep us occupied all the time are not doing us a favor. Which leads to #5.
5. A culture of electronic media which are quite addicting. I don't think that we have seen the end of this. Future media will be more appealing and addictive--not less. As a culture we are going to have to find how to keep our children active mentally and physically in the face of more and more appealing electronic and virtual activities that will encourage passivity.
6. A general decline in physical energy. Getting older takes our energy away eventually. My grandson is motivated partly because he has so darn much energy--and he will have more and more for awhile.
7. Perhaps a programmed decline in mental motivation (programmed in our brain). Our brains are probably programmed to be somewhat less exploratory as we get older. This serves the purpose of conservation of mental and physical energy.
8. Negative learning experiences--experiences in life in which we "learn" or think that we learn that we are helpless and cannot influence our environment or achieve things. The theory of "learned helplessness" and the research supporting the theory, show that if there are numerous enough--or severe enough--experiences where we do not have control, then a kind of depression results, and we just tend to give up.
I'm sure there are other reasons as well. My point here is not to elucidate every single type of reason for people not being motivated. I simply want the reader to ponder the following question: "Am I motivated to keep trying new things in life or not? And if not, why not? What can I do to stay involved in life?" Or if the reader has children or grandchildren, the question becomes, "What can I do to keep their motivation high and to encourage them to enjoy life, learn new things, and to persevere?"
Some things went smoothly and some were more difficult. I've been here before--on the steep part of the learning curve. Actually, I'm on a re-learning curve, but it's just as steep as anything when I first learned to fly, because when I first learned, we took everything slowly. Now, I'm trying to relearn everything about small plane flying in a few weeks.
After my first hour back up in the air, I was both exhilarated and tired. A part of me was asking, "Do I really want to do this?" Fortunately, I recognize this steep part of the learning curve. I've been there with my oil painting and with my jazz piano, and I know that the steepest part of the curve doesn't last. The fun, easy parts are coming.
Unfortunately, many of our children are not learning how to persevere. We need to teach them that the steepest parts of the learning curve don't last, and that it is worth going through them to get to our goals.
This relates a little to another issue I was pondering last night. I was watching my grandson with his first efforts at crawling. My wife commented on how much energy he was putting into learning how to crawl. Now, in my line of work, one of the main things on which I work with people is their motivation. Clients often come in to my office with very little motivation to do things. (Fortunately, they have enough motivation to get to my office--so that's a start!) They may be depressed. Or there may be some other issue which interferes with them accomplishing goals. The thought struck me last night, as I was watching him struggle so mightily to crawl and to move himself around the carpet, "Don't all children start being motivated like this? How and why does such tremendous motivation go away? How do we become couch potatoes?"
Here are a few answers I came up with.
1. Depression
2. Dementia
3. Harsh parenting
4. Lax parenting
5. A culture that addicts us to TV and video games
6. A general decline in physical energy
7. Perhaps a programmed decline in mental motivation (that is, the natural life cycle of our brain)
8. Negative learning experiences--experiences in life in which we "learn" or think that we learn that we are helpless and cannot influence our environment or achieve things.
Notice that I did not include laziness in my list. Those who have read some of my past blogs will understand why. I do not consider laziness to be a scientific explanation. It is a moral explanation. It does not really explain anything. Consider my grandson for example. Let's say that he becomes "lazy" by the time he is 14. He does not look lazy now. If he is acting "lazy" by then, there will have to be some kind of reason. So enough of that word. I don't like to use it.
So what other word can we use? The word (or words) would be "lack of motivation." It is a description without moralizing. So let's look at the above list of reasons one more time. (This list is in no particular order. I just started with depression and dementia because I see a lot of them in my practice.)
1. Depression. Depression can be inherited. It can also be the result of severe stress. Life sometimes wears us out by the stresses we face. Clinical depression is more than just the blues, and it definitely results in a severe loss of motivation. It is not clear just how much people truly recover from severe depression. Not only may they be unmotivated during the depression, they may not return fully to their previous levels of interest and activity without some encouragement.
2. Dementia. Dementia starts being a problem for some people in their '70s, and sometimes earlier. In the early phases, people have less and less motivation to do new things.
3. Harsh parenting. I think that harsh parenting may temporarily lead to more motivation of a sort. People feel driven to do things out of anxiety and fear. But I think it takes the joy out of life. It removes the joy of exploring life and doing new things. In the end, harsh parenting often leads to compulsive or passive-aggressive behavior, not to a joyous trying out new things. Harsh parenting often leads to low self-esteem and other types of negative thinking, such as pessimism; and these lead to low motivation.
4. Lax parenting. Huh? Am I not contradicting myself here? Just because harsh parenting may lead to problems with motivation, that does not mean that lax parenting leads to good things. (If I had to label the in-between type of parenting, I might call it something like "structured parenting.") Lax parenting does not teach children how to persevere when they become discouraged. We all feel like giving up on some new endeavor at times. Parents who let us give up easily are not doing us any favor. Parents who park us in front of a TV set or video game to keep us occupied all the time are not doing us a favor. Which leads to #5.
5. A culture of electronic media which are quite addicting. I don't think that we have seen the end of this. Future media will be more appealing and addictive--not less. As a culture we are going to have to find how to keep our children active mentally and physically in the face of more and more appealing electronic and virtual activities that will encourage passivity.
6. A general decline in physical energy. Getting older takes our energy away eventually. My grandson is motivated partly because he has so darn much energy--and he will have more and more for awhile.
7. Perhaps a programmed decline in mental motivation (programmed in our brain). Our brains are probably programmed to be somewhat less exploratory as we get older. This serves the purpose of conservation of mental and physical energy.
8. Negative learning experiences--experiences in life in which we "learn" or think that we learn that we are helpless and cannot influence our environment or achieve things. The theory of "learned helplessness" and the research supporting the theory, show that if there are numerous enough--or severe enough--experiences where we do not have control, then a kind of depression results, and we just tend to give up.
I'm sure there are other reasons as well. My point here is not to elucidate every single type of reason for people not being motivated. I simply want the reader to ponder the following question: "Am I motivated to keep trying new things in life or not? And if not, why not? What can I do to stay involved in life?" Or if the reader has children or grandchildren, the question becomes, "What can I do to keep their motivation high and to encourage them to enjoy life, learn new things, and to persevere?"
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Finding Motivation in Life No. 1--Finding a Passion in Life
I was meeting with a group of fellow psychologists the other day. We meet once a month to discuss professional issues. The issue came up that some people do not seem to have any kind of passion in life. They go to work. They come home. They have some fun now and then. But to a great degree, their actions are guided by what they just have to do next or what is right in front of them in the moment.
Many of us want to do something important with our life but don't know what it could be. We may end up just doing what is in front of us rather than setting golas and accomplishing things that would be really satisfying in the end. We may become bored or dissatisfied with our lives.
Ideally, each of us will find at least one passion in life. Finding a passion in life means finding something worthwhile in life beyond just doing our job and what we have to do. And something beyond just pursuing the pleasures of the moment.
Another way of saying this is doing more than just the social and biological imperatives. Let me explain what I mean. To some degree we are programmed to do certain things. We might say that we are programmed to eat, move around, have sex, and sleep. To some degree we are programmed by society to go to school, get married, have kids, and advance in our career. The programming may be social, biological, or both.
But some people seem to go well beyond these imperatives. They volunteer. They find sports that they really enjoy. Or they are involved in the arts. Or they become involved in a hobby. Or in spirituality and religion.
For some people their job is their passion, and that may fit what I am talking about here if it fully utilizes their creative powers. But when I talk about finding a passion, I am talking about something different from just being a workaholic. Being a workaholic can actually be an excuse not to be creative and not to discover what is truly self-fulfilling. Being a workaholic can mean just putting one foot in front of another and not really having to think about what is important. On the other hand, starting a business can be a passion, and it can take tremendous time. It can be self-expressive. And that is why I might make an exception for that type of work.
There is one area where I think it makes sense for our biological imperative to be our passion. And that is our biological programming to raise children. Our passion could be our children. I may be biased here. I just had a new grandchild, and so I am fairly enamored of him and focused on him. Some people have said, and rightly so, that the most important thing we can do in life is raise our children well. But even child rearing can be a trap, however, because in the end the children leave home. If that is our only passion, then we may end up feeling aimless after the kids leave home, at least until the grandchildren arrive.
Another biological imperative could be just staying alive. Finding ourselves in extremely stressful financial circumstances or facing a terminal disease, I think that the healthiest thing one can do is to pour all of one's energy into staying alive and putting food on the table for one's family.
But what about when such circumstances don't exist? When leisure time exists and when there is enough money to do more than just stay alive?
What makes it hard for some people to have a passion, I think, is that they come out of a very under stimulated childhood. It used to be that as children they were simply left to grow up on their own. After doing their chores and going to school, if there was any time left, they could do what they wanted. There is much to be said for that. It allows for play and spontaneity.
But I also believe that ideally children need to be encouraged to try things out. They need to be exposed to things--allowed to see things and do things and hear things that may stimulate them. Soccer, basketball, painting, music, volunteer activities, travel--all of these give a child a chance to sample the world and learn that there is more in life than just their own neighborhood and what is on TV. If a person comes from an under stimulated childhood, then the motivation to do more and seek out more may never develop.
Another thing which may assist in this or impede it is biological temperament. Some people just have more energy and enjoy things more than others. Some have a higher capacity to take risks, and some people are more likely to just stay home and avoid risks. Someone with a "hyper" temperament is more likely to pursue physical activities than someone with a more passive temperament. So I don't want to turn this into a moralistic lecture. This isn't about being bad or good. Sometimes, we just are what we are, and there is no sense moralizing about that.
But there are other times, when a little reflection on our short time on this blue sphere might lead us to take some risks, get off the couch, and try something new.
This leads to the question, "What do we do if we want to do more but we just never get around to doing it?" I am going to try to tackle this in my next blog on "Wanting to Want To," which discusses strategies for motivating ourselves.
Many of us want to do something important with our life but don't know what it could be. We may end up just doing what is in front of us rather than setting golas and accomplishing things that would be really satisfying in the end. We may become bored or dissatisfied with our lives.
Ideally, each of us will find at least one passion in life. Finding a passion in life means finding something worthwhile in life beyond just doing our job and what we have to do. And something beyond just pursuing the pleasures of the moment.
Another way of saying this is doing more than just the social and biological imperatives. Let me explain what I mean. To some degree we are programmed to do certain things. We might say that we are programmed to eat, move around, have sex, and sleep. To some degree we are programmed by society to go to school, get married, have kids, and advance in our career. The programming may be social, biological, or both.
But some people seem to go well beyond these imperatives. They volunteer. They find sports that they really enjoy. Or they are involved in the arts. Or they become involved in a hobby. Or in spirituality and religion.
For some people their job is their passion, and that may fit what I am talking about here if it fully utilizes their creative powers. But when I talk about finding a passion, I am talking about something different from just being a workaholic. Being a workaholic can actually be an excuse not to be creative and not to discover what is truly self-fulfilling. Being a workaholic can mean just putting one foot in front of another and not really having to think about what is important. On the other hand, starting a business can be a passion, and it can take tremendous time. It can be self-expressive. And that is why I might make an exception for that type of work.
There is one area where I think it makes sense for our biological imperative to be our passion. And that is our biological programming to raise children. Our passion could be our children. I may be biased here. I just had a new grandchild, and so I am fairly enamored of him and focused on him. Some people have said, and rightly so, that the most important thing we can do in life is raise our children well. But even child rearing can be a trap, however, because in the end the children leave home. If that is our only passion, then we may end up feeling aimless after the kids leave home, at least until the grandchildren arrive.
Another biological imperative could be just staying alive. Finding ourselves in extremely stressful financial circumstances or facing a terminal disease, I think that the healthiest thing one can do is to pour all of one's energy into staying alive and putting food on the table for one's family.
But what about when such circumstances don't exist? When leisure time exists and when there is enough money to do more than just stay alive?
What makes it hard for some people to have a passion, I think, is that they come out of a very under stimulated childhood. It used to be that as children they were simply left to grow up on their own. After doing their chores and going to school, if there was any time left, they could do what they wanted. There is much to be said for that. It allows for play and spontaneity.
But I also believe that ideally children need to be encouraged to try things out. They need to be exposed to things--allowed to see things and do things and hear things that may stimulate them. Soccer, basketball, painting, music, volunteer activities, travel--all of these give a child a chance to sample the world and learn that there is more in life than just their own neighborhood and what is on TV. If a person comes from an under stimulated childhood, then the motivation to do more and seek out more may never develop.
Another thing which may assist in this or impede it is biological temperament. Some people just have more energy and enjoy things more than others. Some have a higher capacity to take risks, and some people are more likely to just stay home and avoid risks. Someone with a "hyper" temperament is more likely to pursue physical activities than someone with a more passive temperament. So I don't want to turn this into a moralistic lecture. This isn't about being bad or good. Sometimes, we just are what we are, and there is no sense moralizing about that.
But there are other times, when a little reflection on our short time on this blue sphere might lead us to take some risks, get off the couch, and try something new.
This leads to the question, "What do we do if we want to do more but we just never get around to doing it?" I am going to try to tackle this in my next blog on "Wanting to Want To," which discusses strategies for motivating ourselves.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Why Did I Do That?
Few things are as certain as human motivation. When people do things we don't like, we often want to know why they did them. But that is a very slippery path.
Let me explain.
Take for example, the sixth grader who is bugging the person ahead of him in class. The teacher gets on to him. He stops--for a few moments. And then twenty minutes later, he is doing it again. The teacher asks him why--why are you doing this after I got onto you for it only 20 minutes ago? He sits there sheepishly. She asks him again. He shakes his head. He doesn't know. But she doesn't settle for that answer. She wants to know why. She might even say something like, "If you don't know why you are doing it then who does?"
But the actual answer is complex, difficult, and even profound. Because even if he were to tell the teacher something that sounded contrite and convincing, it might well be wrong. Let's start with what he might say. He might say, "I'm sorry; I'm not trying hard enough. I will do better." Here the explanation is something like he isn't trying hard enough. The teacher might accept that, but she might have her own explanation--he is a bad kid. Or she might have a more sophisticated explanation--he comes from a troubled home. Or she might even think that he has ADHD.
A neuropsychologist might trace his impulsive and restlessness to the prefrontal region of the brain and to the child's father and grandfather who had similar problems. One thing is for certain, the child is not likely to say:
"The reason I did it is that I am impulsive. That is a symptom of my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Hyperactive/Impulsive Type. I inherited that from my father and grandfather. As a result, my prefrontal region of my brain does not inhibit impulses well and does not screen out irrelevant stimuli well."
In some classes, such an explanation might get the child a smack for being "sassy." But not to worry, it won't happen, because a child cannot articulate such a sophisticated explanation.
A family therapist might even look at other explanations. They might point to the turmoil in the family at home and how the child's symptom of acting out at school is a predictable result of that turmoil.
A behavioral psychologist might point toward the system of rewards and consequences. He/she might point out that the substitute teacher last week imposed no consequences on this behavior. Or perhaps they would point out that the child being tormented inadvertently gave positive reinforcement for the behavior by what they said.
And we could go on looking at a variety of other explanations. Why is the child doing what they are doing? The "Why?" question is always very slippery. Sometimes a behavior is determined by multiple causes, and the one we choose as the REAL reason may not be the real reason, or it may be only one of several reasons which accumulate to produce the final behavior.
Similarly, in marriage and in the family setting, we are tempted to ask the why question. And when marriages are young and new, we are kind and assume the best of the other person. But when relationships deteriorate, we often choose the most unkind explanation for what the other person did, which accentuates our anger. Even adults do not always know why they are doing certain things. They may not know why they are in a bad mood, or snappy.
When we are tempted to ask the why question, we need to be aware that we are in dangerous territory. We all want to know why things happen. We want to know why our husband chose to be late getting home, why our wife chose not to do what she said she was going to do. And the answers to those questions may be very important and very relevant to our lives. But we also need to keep a level of humiility about our ability to discern the real causes and reasons behind behavior. Even if the other person tells us the answer, we may still not know. Keeping a level of humility about our explanations for Johnny acting up in class, or our husband taking the long way home, and so on, may keep us from overreacting to situations with excessive anger, disgust, or punishing responses.
Let me explain.
Take for example, the sixth grader who is bugging the person ahead of him in class. The teacher gets on to him. He stops--for a few moments. And then twenty minutes later, he is doing it again. The teacher asks him why--why are you doing this after I got onto you for it only 20 minutes ago? He sits there sheepishly. She asks him again. He shakes his head. He doesn't know. But she doesn't settle for that answer. She wants to know why. She might even say something like, "If you don't know why you are doing it then who does?"
But the actual answer is complex, difficult, and even profound. Because even if he were to tell the teacher something that sounded contrite and convincing, it might well be wrong. Let's start with what he might say. He might say, "I'm sorry; I'm not trying hard enough. I will do better." Here the explanation is something like he isn't trying hard enough. The teacher might accept that, but she might have her own explanation--he is a bad kid. Or she might have a more sophisticated explanation--he comes from a troubled home. Or she might even think that he has ADHD.
A neuropsychologist might trace his impulsive and restlessness to the prefrontal region of the brain and to the child's father and grandfather who had similar problems. One thing is for certain, the child is not likely to say:
"The reason I did it is that I am impulsive. That is a symptom of my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Hyperactive/Impulsive Type. I inherited that from my father and grandfather. As a result, my prefrontal region of my brain does not inhibit impulses well and does not screen out irrelevant stimuli well."
In some classes, such an explanation might get the child a smack for being "sassy." But not to worry, it won't happen, because a child cannot articulate such a sophisticated explanation.
A family therapist might even look at other explanations. They might point to the turmoil in the family at home and how the child's symptom of acting out at school is a predictable result of that turmoil.
A behavioral psychologist might point toward the system of rewards and consequences. He/she might point out that the substitute teacher last week imposed no consequences on this behavior. Or perhaps they would point out that the child being tormented inadvertently gave positive reinforcement for the behavior by what they said.
And we could go on looking at a variety of other explanations. Why is the child doing what they are doing? The "Why?" question is always very slippery. Sometimes a behavior is determined by multiple causes, and the one we choose as the REAL reason may not be the real reason, or it may be only one of several reasons which accumulate to produce the final behavior.
Similarly, in marriage and in the family setting, we are tempted to ask the why question. And when marriages are young and new, we are kind and assume the best of the other person. But when relationships deteriorate, we often choose the most unkind explanation for what the other person did, which accentuates our anger. Even adults do not always know why they are doing certain things. They may not know why they are in a bad mood, or snappy.
When we are tempted to ask the why question, we need to be aware that we are in dangerous territory. We all want to know why things happen. We want to know why our husband chose to be late getting home, why our wife chose not to do what she said she was going to do. And the answers to those questions may be very important and very relevant to our lives. But we also need to keep a level of humiility about our ability to discern the real causes and reasons behind behavior. Even if the other person tells us the answer, we may still not know. Keeping a level of humility about our explanations for Johnny acting up in class, or our husband taking the long way home, and so on, may keep us from overreacting to situations with excessive anger, disgust, or punishing responses.
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