(This blog posting is an extension of my previous one on using positive reinforcement in marriage.)
How does one go about building a good marriage? There are a variety of answers to this. One concept I use in marriage counseling is the concept of positive reciprocity.
Reciprocity is the tendency that most of us have as humans to give back what we get. Most of us are not so saintly that we want to give positive things to people who treat us badly. We generally give back positives to people who treat us positively and negatives to people who treat us negatively. That may or may not be a good idea in real life. Religions have often emphasized the importance of not getting into negative reciprocity. The importance of forgiveness has been emphasized in religion and even in modern psychology. However, that is not the issue I want to get into right now. The fact is that people being people, we can get into a cycle of giving back to others some type of negative interaction when they do something negative to us. In life in general, this kind of negative reciprocity can lead to certain problems. In marriage, it can be disastrous.
When we are dating, positive reciprocity between a couple usually abounds. We are positive towards our partner, and they tend to be moe positive towards us. They say and do nice things towards us, making us feel more positively towards them, and we in turn do and say complimentary things back, etc..
Unfortunately, as marriages age, reciprocal interactions can slide towards the negative. Negative comments are made to us, and we feel inclined to dish it right back. How does that come aboout? How do we slide from positive to negative reciprocity?
First, we lose those incredibly positive feelings which were part of the initial bonding. In the beginning of the relationship, there is that very special feeling. Almost anything the other person does makes us feel special. Just looking at a sunset with them can make us feel that way. We can call it infatuation, falling in love, or whatever, but there is a distinctly chemical state in the brain which makes eveything about our partner more positive for us--at the beginning. It is easy to maintain positive reciprocity in this state.
I believe that many couples confuse this early state of attraction with love in its deeper form. It is easy to be positive towards someone who triggers such positive, biochemically inspired feelings. But the type of love that can sustain a marriage has to go far beyond that. It seeks the good of the other. It is generally forgiving. It values the other person for themselves and not just for what they can do for us; it does not always demand its own way. When that type of love is present, then the slide to negative reciprocity is much less likely to occur. But if we think that love is just the state of feeling good and being treated well by the other person, it is easy to start being negative and verbally aggressive.
If a cycle of negative interaction has begun, an intentional, deliberate focus on positive reinforcement may be able to lead back to that original “positive reciprocity.” It would be unreasonable to expect this type of positive reciprocity immediately. But in the long run, when we want positive behaviors from our spouse, we are most likely to get them for ourselves if we have been giving them out freely. By intentionally giving positive reinforcement to our partner, we can build a reservoir of good feeling. A sense of goodwill can carry a couple through problems.
Building positive reciprocity when there have been hurtful interactions may require you to reorient yourself to a new way of relating to the other person. This can require us focusing on what they do “right” rather than what they are do “wrong.” It focuses away from blame and onto what the other person is doing "right." (“Right” and “wrong” are put in quotes because these are usually defined in our own minds. We may have very distinct ideas of them and "know" that we are right about them, but often times they are more our ideas than they are some type of universal truth. But then, that's another blog.) Simply paying attention to our partner's positive, constructive behaviors can have a beneficial impact on how we feel about them and how they feel about us.
To re-establish positive reciprocity doesn't come easily. It can take time and determination. Most of all, I think, it requires a deep understanding of love and forgiveness. It requires us to be willing to look after the good of our partner and the good of the relationship, and not just what feels good to us in the moment.
Showing posts with label positive reinforcement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive reinforcement. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Keys to a Positive Marriage--Using Positive Reinforcement
It is tempting in marriage to think that our partner is the source of the marriage's problems and then to try to change our partner by making negative comments. Negative feedback is sometimes necessary. But oftentimes criticism changes little if anything. As I have said in one of my earlier blog postings, I'm not sure we can ever change our partner for the better. On the negative side, maybe some people batter their partner into submission with their words or actions, but that is not positive change.
So I don't recommend setting out trying to change your partner. But there is one fundamental principle of psychology which should not be overlooked. And that is the power of positive reinforcement.
Positive reinforcement is good for a marriage in several ways. It shows that you are paying attention not just when your partner is doing something wrong or something you don't like. It shows that you are aware of when they are doing positive, constructive behaviors.
Secondly, positive reinforcement enhances the self-esteem of your partner.
Thirdly, positive reinforcement keeps you positive. It keeps you looking for and being aware of the positives in the marriage. It can make you a better a person.
When it absolutely seems essential to you that your partner change their behavior, then even though I am not sure that it can be accomplished quickly, you can encourage behavior change slowly by using reinforcement. It takes time, and it needs to be consistent. By consistent, I don't mean that positive reinforcement needs to occur every day. But it can't stop for weeks or months at a time.
Start by carefully observing your partner's actions, then reinforcing them when they are acting more positively or doing something which approaches what you want. In other words, wait for them to make a positive change, even if it’s a small one and then reinforce them. Reinforcement increases the likelihood that they will come back at a later time and repeat the positive behavior. Note that I didn't say that it makes them do it again, and I didn't say that it guarantees that they would do it again. I said that it enhances the probability that they will do it again. Nothing is guaranteed here.
It accomplishes this by following their pleasing behaviors with something which is pleasant and rewarding, such as expressing appreciation or doing something nice for them. If the husband is working on something which the wife has been asking him to fix for awhile, she might bring him a sandwich and a soft drink while he is repairing it.
This method does not wait until a full and total change. It waits only for an approximate change before reinforcing the other person. Let’s say that the husband has been complaining to his wife that she isn’t keeping the house as neat as he wants it. One day he comes home and the kitchen is clean and straight, but the living room is still messy. If he comments to her on how disastrous the living room looks, then the wife will feel that her new attempts to change her behavior have been met with punishment. Is she likely to clean the living room the next day? It’s doubtful. She’s likely to think, “Well, if I clean the living room, he’ll just complain about the bedroom.” Even if the husband is totally upset with how the rest of the house looks, he needs to try to be patient, gradually encouraging the type of cleaning behavior that he wants from his wife through reinforcement. Similarly, if the wife is trying to get him to be more involved with the children, it is important that she not wait until he has become the perfect dad before starting to make positive comments.
Positive reinforcement can sometimes build a strong sense of goodwill between partners which carries far beyond the original problem. If the wife reinforces the husband for washing the outside of her car, she may find that he next cleans the inside of her car. And if she keeps reinforcing him, he may go on to do other car related or household chores as well.
One delightful advantage of reinforcement is that we never know where it will lead! It usually leads somewhere positive. One place where positive reinforcement can lead is “positive reciprocity.” This means that we tend to get back what we give. The wife brings a sandwich to her husband in the workshop, and he may give her back a hug. When we start giving out positively reinforcing behaviors to our spouse, we are likely to receive back other pleasant behaviors from them. Now, it would be unreasonable to expect this type of reciprocity immediately. But in the long run, when we want positive behaviors from our spouse, we are most likely to get them if we have been giving them out freely.
Reinforcing your partner may require you to reorient yourself to a new way of relating--focusing on what they are doing “right” rather than what they are doing “wrong.” (“Right” and “wrong” are put in quotes because I am defining them here only by what you want them to do or don’t want them to do.) Simply paying attention to their positive, constructive behaviors can have a beneficial impact on how you feel about them.
Another advantage of responding to your partner’s behavior in this way is that they tend to be more open to other feedback you may give them and less likely to be defensive. It is as if we are saying to them, “You are so wonderful, and all you have to do to keep being wonderful is just keep doing what you are already doing.” Who can resist that? Who doesn’t want to hear that?
What if reinforcement does not seem to be working? Or what if there seems to be little or no opportunity to provide reinforcement? There are times that we just can’t wait around for the other person to do something differently. In this type of situation, we have to be more assertive about expressing what our desires and needs are. By being direct and telling the other person what we need or want, we may be able to prompt them to try something new or different. But it is still important to be ready to reinforce them if they follow through.
When asking a partner to change their behavior, they may become defensive. In order to minimize this, it is helpful to follow a few guidelines:
--Provide the feedback about what you don’t like and the request for what you want from them in private.
--Make the request in a straightforward non-emotional tone of voice if possible.
--Don’t ask for more than one or two changes at a time. Don’t throw everything and the kitchen sink at them all at once.
--Make a positive request rather than a negative request (example: I would really appreciate it if you could speak to me in a calm tone when you are discussing a problem. Try to focus on what you want in a positive way rather than on what they are doing “wrong.”
So I don't recommend setting out trying to change your partner. But there is one fundamental principle of psychology which should not be overlooked. And that is the power of positive reinforcement.
Positive reinforcement is good for a marriage in several ways. It shows that you are paying attention not just when your partner is doing something wrong or something you don't like. It shows that you are aware of when they are doing positive, constructive behaviors.
Secondly, positive reinforcement enhances the self-esteem of your partner.
Thirdly, positive reinforcement keeps you positive. It keeps you looking for and being aware of the positives in the marriage. It can make you a better a person.
When it absolutely seems essential to you that your partner change their behavior, then even though I am not sure that it can be accomplished quickly, you can encourage behavior change slowly by using reinforcement. It takes time, and it needs to be consistent. By consistent, I don't mean that positive reinforcement needs to occur every day. But it can't stop for weeks or months at a time.
Start by carefully observing your partner's actions, then reinforcing them when they are acting more positively or doing something which approaches what you want. In other words, wait for them to make a positive change, even if it’s a small one and then reinforce them. Reinforcement increases the likelihood that they will come back at a later time and repeat the positive behavior. Note that I didn't say that it makes them do it again, and I didn't say that it guarantees that they would do it again. I said that it enhances the probability that they will do it again. Nothing is guaranteed here.
It accomplishes this by following their pleasing behaviors with something which is pleasant and rewarding, such as expressing appreciation or doing something nice for them. If the husband is working on something which the wife has been asking him to fix for awhile, she might bring him a sandwich and a soft drink while he is repairing it.
This method does not wait until a full and total change. It waits only for an approximate change before reinforcing the other person. Let’s say that the husband has been complaining to his wife that she isn’t keeping the house as neat as he wants it. One day he comes home and the kitchen is clean and straight, but the living room is still messy. If he comments to her on how disastrous the living room looks, then the wife will feel that her new attempts to change her behavior have been met with punishment. Is she likely to clean the living room the next day? It’s doubtful. She’s likely to think, “Well, if I clean the living room, he’ll just complain about the bedroom.” Even if the husband is totally upset with how the rest of the house looks, he needs to try to be patient, gradually encouraging the type of cleaning behavior that he wants from his wife through reinforcement. Similarly, if the wife is trying to get him to be more involved with the children, it is important that she not wait until he has become the perfect dad before starting to make positive comments.
Positive reinforcement can sometimes build a strong sense of goodwill between partners which carries far beyond the original problem. If the wife reinforces the husband for washing the outside of her car, she may find that he next cleans the inside of her car. And if she keeps reinforcing him, he may go on to do other car related or household chores as well.
One delightful advantage of reinforcement is that we never know where it will lead! It usually leads somewhere positive. One place where positive reinforcement can lead is “positive reciprocity.” This means that we tend to get back what we give. The wife brings a sandwich to her husband in the workshop, and he may give her back a hug. When we start giving out positively reinforcing behaviors to our spouse, we are likely to receive back other pleasant behaviors from them. Now, it would be unreasonable to expect this type of reciprocity immediately. But in the long run, when we want positive behaviors from our spouse, we are most likely to get them if we have been giving them out freely.
Reinforcing your partner may require you to reorient yourself to a new way of relating--focusing on what they are doing “right” rather than what they are doing “wrong.” (“Right” and “wrong” are put in quotes because I am defining them here only by what you want them to do or don’t want them to do.) Simply paying attention to their positive, constructive behaviors can have a beneficial impact on how you feel about them.
Another advantage of responding to your partner’s behavior in this way is that they tend to be more open to other feedback you may give them and less likely to be defensive. It is as if we are saying to them, “You are so wonderful, and all you have to do to keep being wonderful is just keep doing what you are already doing.” Who can resist that? Who doesn’t want to hear that?
What if reinforcement does not seem to be working? Or what if there seems to be little or no opportunity to provide reinforcement? There are times that we just can’t wait around for the other person to do something differently. In this type of situation, we have to be more assertive about expressing what our desires and needs are. By being direct and telling the other person what we need or want, we may be able to prompt them to try something new or different. But it is still important to be ready to reinforce them if they follow through.
When asking a partner to change their behavior, they may become defensive. In order to minimize this, it is helpful to follow a few guidelines:
--Provide the feedback about what you don’t like and the request for what you want from them in private.
--Make the request in a straightforward non-emotional tone of voice if possible.
--Don’t ask for more than one or two changes at a time. Don’t throw everything and the kitchen sink at them all at once.
--Make a positive request rather than a negative request (example: I would really appreciate it if you could speak to me in a calm tone when you are discussing a problem. Try to focus on what you want in a positive way rather than on what they are doing “wrong.”
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