The Problem with Anger

First of all, I want to make it clear that anger is a normal feeling. There's nothing unhealthy about feeling angry now and then. In fact, it would be abnormal and unhealthy not to feel angry now and then. The problem with anger comes when it loses its rightful proportion in our life.

First of all, let's take a relatively common situation. You are driving in traffic, and another driver cuts you off. He is driving recklessly, perhaps speeding. The typical response of most persons is anger, and that would be normal and natural. The anger comes--it peaks--and it goes away. We forget about it.

However, for some people, the anger comes, and then it gets stronger and stronger. The reasons for this are not fully understood. But one reason it can happen is that persons are using negative self talk to build up their anger. "That stupid person. How dare he do that? Somebody ought to teach him a lesson!." This type of thinking increases the anger.

Another approach to the same situation would be to acknowledge one's anger and then steer a wide berth around such a person. That is, to let the anger come--and then to go, without the negative self talk strengthening the anger.

Some persons are chronically angry. They keep resentments alive on, and on, and on. This is not the same as anger. It is very unhealthy psychologically and physically. It has negative effects in every area of one's life.

I have been asked by some patients, and indeed I have asked myself at times, if this approach to anger isn't really just suppressing it. And suppression and repression can have negative consequences, too. The answer is no. First of all, I am recommending that you be fully aware of your anger at first. There is no suppression here. Secondly, I am recommending that you don't rehearse negative thoughts. In other words, there is a difference between smothering a fire and not putting more wood on a fire. Thirdly, I am recommending that after having an awareness of the feelings and thoughts, that you simply let go. You therefore maintain an awareness of all the thoughts and feelings that you did have, but you are choosing to let go. The choosing is an important part of the process. When you choose to do something, it is conscious and deliberate. This has no negative psychological effects as far as I know. In fact, it has positive effects because it frees you up to go on with your day in a positive constructive way. It also frees you from some of the negative physical effects of chronic anger. Some of these are explained in my handout on coping with anger at www.DrBeckham.com/CopingHandouts.htm .