Why Did I Do That?

Few things are as certain as human motivation.  When people do things we don't like, we often want to know why they did them.  But that is a very slippery path.

Let me explain.

Take for example, the sixth grader who is bugging the person ahead of him in class.  The teacher gets on to him.  He stops--for a few moments.  And then twenty  minutes later, he is doing it again.  The teacher asks him why--why are you doing this after I got onto you for it only 20 minutes ago?  He sits there sheepishly.  She asks him again.  He shakes his head.  He doesn't know.  But she doesn't settle for that answer.  She wants to know why.  She might even say something like, "If you don't  know why you are doing it then who does?"

But the actual answer is complex, difficult, and even profound.  Because even if he were to tell the teacher something that sounded contrite and convincing, it might well be wrong.  Let's start with what he might say.  He might say, "I'm sorry; I'm not trying hard enough.  I will do better."  Here the explanation is something like he isn't trying hard enough.  The teacher might accept that, but she might have her own explanation--he is a bad kid.  Or she might have a more sophisticated explanation--he comes from a troubled home.  Or she might even think that he has ADHD.

A neuropsychologist might trace his impulsive and restlessness to the prefrontal region of the brain and to the child's father and grandfather who had similar problems.  One thing is for certain, the child is not likely to say:

"The reason I did it is that I am impulsive.  That is a symptom of my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Hyperactive/Impulsive Type.  I inherited that from my father and grandfather.  As a result, my prefrontal region of my brain does not inhibit impulses well and does not screen out irrelevant stimuli well."

In some classes, such an explanation might get the child a smack for being "sassy."  But not to worry, it won't happen, because a child cannot articulate such a sophisticated explanation.

A family therapist might even look at other explanations.  They might point to the turmoil in the family at home and how the child's symptom of acting out at school is a predictable result of that turmoil.

A behavioral psychologist might point toward the system of rewards and consequences.  He/she might point out that the substitute teacher last week imposed no consequences on this behavior.  Or perhaps they would point out that the child being tormented inadvertently gave positive reinforcement for the behavior by what they said.

And we could go on looking at a variety of other explanations.  Why is the child doing what they are doing?  The "Why?" question is always very slippery.   Sometimes a behavior is determined by multiple causes, and the one we choose as the REAL reason may not be the real reason, or it may be only one of several reasons which accumulate to produce the final behavior.

Similarly, in marriage and in the family setting, we are tempted to ask the why question.  And when marriages are young and new, we are kind and assume the best of the other person.  But when relationships deteriorate, we often choose the most unkind explanation for what the other person did, which accentuates our anger.  Even adults do not always know why they are doing certain things.  They may not know why they are in a bad mood, or snappy. 

When we are tempted to ask the why question, we need to be aware that we are in dangerous territory.  We all want to know why things happen.  We want to know why our husband chose to be late getting home, why our wife chose not to do what she said she was going to do.  And the answers to those questions may be very important and very relevant to our lives.  But we also need to keep a level of humiility about our ability to discern the real causes and reasons behind behavior.  Even if the other person tells us the answer, we may still not know.  Keeping a level of humility about our explanations for Johnny acting up in class, or our husband taking the long way home, and so on, may keep us from overreacting to situations with excessive anger, disgust, or punishing responses.