Five Neurotic Beliefs

The word "neurotic" has been used in so many different ways that it hardly means anything anymore.  So, first let me explain what I mean by neurotic in this context:
These are general ideas which a person may have.  They are not just specific negative thoughts, such as, "I'll make a bad grade on this test."  They are more general, such as "I have to be perfect in everything I do--all times, and all places, and all circumstances.

Secondly, these thoughts often make people feel bad much of the time, because they are so hard to live up to.

Thirdly, they generally do not help us to live more productive lives.

Fourth, they are inflexible and rigid.


Here are some of the dysfunctional attitudes about self-worth which are common:

1. I must achieve in everything I undertake or I am not worthwhile.
2. I must be approved of by everyone. If someone dislikes me or disapproves of me, there must be something wrong with me.
3. If I am not always in control of my feelings and actions, then I am weak. And if I am weak, I am worthless.
4. I must be loved to know that I am valuable.
5. I must do everything I do in the best possible way (that is, perfectly) or I'm not worthwhile.

This last one, perfectionism, is particulary important with regard to depression.  Perfectionistic attitudes have been found to be particularly prone to cause depression. In one study of persons in treatment for depression, the higher the levels of perfectionism, the less likely it was for the person to improve. It didn’t matter whether they were in cognitive therapy working on negative thoughts, receiving medication, or in some other form of treatment. Perfectionism was a roadblock to significant improvement in all the forms of therapy offered. The implications of this are very clear. Although some depressed persons see perfectionism as a very logical approach to life, it is actually a landmine in the road to success and happiness.

It is not always necessary to deal with underlying negative attitudes to get out of depression. Clearly, there are times when circumstances improve or when the passage of time helps the person to feel better. However, when negative assumptions are not dealt with, then the person is likely to be just as vulnerable to future depression if stresses occur again. It is not easy for people to change these attitudes by themselves, and discussions with a therapist are often helpful and sometimes necessary.

Here are some questions to think about:

1. What kinds of stresses have caused you to be depressed in the past? Does this tell you anything about your depressive attitudes? For example, have you tended to become depressed following relationship breakups? Being disapproved of by someone important to you? Experiencing school failure or a job setback? How about after making a mistake?

2. What kinds of stresses have not depressed you in the past?

3. As you consider your answers to questions 1 and 2, does it appear that there are particular kinds of stresses to which you are most vulnerable?

4. Rate yourself on the following underlying attitudes.

Attitude Strongly Disagree Disagree Not Sure Agree Strongly Agree

If I fail at something, it means that I am inadequate or worthless.
If I do not accomplish something which is very important to me, then I am a failure.
If someone that I love does not love me, then it means that I am unlovable and worthless.
I must be approved of by everyone. If someone dislikes me or disapproves of me, there must be something wrong with me.
If I am not always in control of my feelings and actions, then I am defective and/or weak.
If I do not strive for perfection, I am likely to turn out to be mediocre and worthless.

Depressive Attitudes and Stress Are an Explosive Combination

Depressive assumptions and stressful life events can team up to cause low self-esteem and depression. For example, consider what happens with the following combination of a depressive attitude and a corresponding event:

Attitude "I am worthwhile only if I am loved."  + Event "My husband left me."  =False conclusion "I am worthless."

In this case, the attitude and the event go together to create feelings of worthlessness and depression. The particular attitude and the particular event fit together hand in glove. Making a “D” in a course or even an “F” might be less likely to trigger depression in the above person, given their basic attitudes about what makes them valuable. The person is basing their self esteem on love, not on success. (The exception to this would be if they thought that people would love them less for making poor grades.)

Each of the depressive attitudes can lead to low self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness if the right stress occurs. Think of it as a jigsaw puzzle in which certain pieces fit together. If a person believes they must succeed and do well in everything they attempt, then not getting an expected raise or promotion can be a severe blow to their self-esteem. It may even lead to clinical depression. On the other hand, if members of his family are upset with him and avoiding him, it may cause upset, but still not result in depression because his underlying attitudes regarding self-worth are not based on love and approval.

Here are some of the logical problems with each of the dysfunctional attitudes.
1. "I must do everything perfectly":

Problems with This Way of Thinking:
--Trying to do everything perfectly may so overwhelm a person that they may never get started. They may then get less done than if they tried to do a good or adequate job.
--A person may spend so much time on details that little work gets done overall.
--Doing things perfectly is not really possible. Thus, it is inevitable that the person will feel inadequate at some point.

2. "I must succeed in everything I undertake. I must never fail or else I am worthless."
Problems with This Way of Thinking:
--It is not possible to always avoid failure.
--If an individual fails at one thing, is she supposed to ignore and overlook all of the things that she does right?
--This way of thinking can cause such a fear of failure that a person will not take even minor risks. This can cause them to be immobilized.
--Some of the people who have accomplished the most in history have had significant failures as well as successes.

3. "It is terrible to be disapproved of. If someone disapproves of me, I must have done something wrong."
Problems with This Way of Thinking:
--It is not possible to please everyone.
--If it appears that we are pleasing everyone, we are probably only succeeding in being wishy-washy and having few if any real principles.
--This would mean that other people’s opinions are automatically more valid than my own.
--Since someone will always disapprove of us, we are doomed to always feel inadequate and unhappy.

4. "I must be loved to know that I am valuable."
Problems with This Way of Thinking:
--Whether we are loved does not change our intrinsic self-worth. It is very important to be loved, but it does not reach into the core of our being and change who we are.
--If we must be loved to feel worthwhile, we are likely to be a doormat in a relationship for fear of losing it.
--A person's value to society comes more from the love and concern they give than from the love they receive.

5. "I must be in control of my emotions and actions at all times or I am weak and worthless."
Problems with This Way of Thinking:
--No one can be in control at all times. This is a myth perpetuated by Hollywood heroes in action movies. We cannot live our lives according to a Hollywood script.
--Emotions cannot always be controlled. Furthermore, a person who attempts to have tight control over their feelings has difficulty being spontaneous and having fun. They may also tend to try to control others and so are not much fun to be around.
--A person who has this idea and gets depressed is then likely to get even more depressed because they will tend to blame themselves for not being in control of their situation and feelings.
--Part of the fun of life is being spontaneous and seeing what will happen next in life.