Keys to a Positive Marriage--Weaving Your Lives Together

Let me begin with what may seem to be an outrageous statement and then try to explain myself.

There is nothing more natural than two people, married or otherwise, growing apart.  The goal of marriage is to prevent that from happening.

Why do I believe this?  I believe it is true because in the past, in a more rural society, people shared common goals and interests.  Both often worked on a farm or similar setting.  Meals were shared in common.  Topics of conversation were  the crops, the animals, the children, and so on.  (Please understand that I have never lived on a farm, but I think the logic still holds.)

Now consider a modern urbanized family.  In many cases, both partners have jobs.  It is highly unlikely that they work at the same place.  They do not know the same people.  They have somewhat different stresses and somewhat different focuses to their lives.  Each person is brought into contact with other people.  These are people who have a similar interest and focus to them individually (banking, law, sports, etc.) but not necessarily for them as a couple.  This may make them feel closer to co-workers than to their spouse or partner.  I am quite fortunate in that my spouse is also a counselor.  So our outlooks are quite similar.  Our values are.  Our intellectual interests are.  But this would make us somewhat of an exception.

When two people originally bond through marriage or long term commitment, there is usually some degree of commonality of interest.  But whatever the original common interest, it can change over time.  It might be their university, a sport, or the social circle they are in.

As we mature and grow older, we change.  Our brains change in ways that science has not yet fully figured out.  And our environment (read, job) changes us. 

But we can take the time to continue to weave our lives together.  If we put the time and energy into it, we can keep things in common.  Here are some things which couples might have in common:

• a circle of friends
• going to university events such as football games
• going to church together
• having a hobby together (sailing, bowling, etc.)
• going to children's sporting events together
• participating in extended family get togethers
• traveling together to see and share experiences in common
• discussing events in the news and sharing ideas
• tackling home improvement together (although this can also be stressful on a marriage)
• making plans for the future together

You may have your own ways of weaving your lives togehter.  The how is not so important here. What is important is to realize that it takes effort to stay within each other's worlds. 

Be a part of who the other person is and what they are interested in.  You can still have your own interests and individuality.  You can still have spaces in your togetherness, as Kahlil Gibran put it.  But find ways of weaving your lives togehter. Don't assume that the initial good feelings of love and romance will link the two of you together forever without any further work on your part.