Keys to a Positive Marriage--Playfulness and Sexuality

Relationships often start out as playful, but all too often they end up being routine and too serious.  As people age, they often become more serious.  Joking and playfulness may stop. 

People are living longer and longer, and there are things we need to do so that our relationships don't die from terminal dullness before our bodies give up the ghost. I think that being playful and having the capacity for spontaneity are important to keep our marriages and relationships viable.

First, let's think about what playfulness is.

What is the definition of play?  I think any definition would have to include some element of spontaneity for the sheer fun of it.  A trip across country can be done in a routine, serious manner or a playful manner.  Driving down the road, if one spouse says to the other, "Let's try this restaurant, I've always wanted to try [such and such type of food]," it  might be playful according to the above definition--spontaneity in the pursuit of having fun.

Here are some excerpts from Dictionary.com about the word "Play":

• fun or jest, as opposed to seriousness
• to exercise or employ oneself in diversion, amusement, or recreation.
• to do something in sport that is not to be taken seriously.
• to take part or engage in a game.
• to pretend
• to behave in a playful or frivolous manner; fool around
• to do something without seriousness
• diverting activity
• any such form of activity, often undirected, spontaneous, or random
• amuse oneself in (a game)
• fun, jest, or joking: I only did it in play

One important aspect of play in marriage is sexuality.  Hopefully, it remains playful rather than always being pursed according to a formula.  I think that too often older married couples approach it with so many preconceived expectations that they are in a straight jacket.  They are more likley to have a variety of ideas about what is going to be appropriate, what is going to be satisfying, what "needs to happen," and so on. To some degree this can be good and healthy because it means that they know their partner well and know what is satisfying to their partner.  They also know their own bodies well and what gives them pleasure.  But on the other hand, this can also make sex overly serious and overly routine.  This has to be done, and this has to be done, and this has to be done.  One, two, three.

But sex is not the only realm for playfulness.  Travel can be play.  Exercise can be play.  Cooking together can be play.  For example watch the portrayal of Julia Childs and her husband in the movie Julie and Julia.  Whether accurate to their true lives or not, in the movie Julia and her husband knew how to be playful.

Perhaps one slight word of caution needs to be added.  If you are in a relationship and haven't been playful for a long time, your partner could well take it the wrong way.  If taken too literally, then certain types of playful statements might taken as being slightly offensive.  You may need to help them understand in some way that you are not being serious when you do or say certain things.  A wink or a certain look may help them to understand that you are being playful and that you are hoping that they will respond playfully rather than taking what you are saying seriously.