Teaching Children How to Do the Hard Thing

There are many theories about how to raise children, and many have a great deal of truth to them.   For example, I like the ideas emphasized by concepts such as nurturing, using positive reinforcement, modeling positive behavior, and so on.

I want to write today about one part that may be overlooked--the development of good frontal lobe functioning by teaching children to do the "hard" thing.

I remember one child saying to me in therapy, "I know how to do the (math homework) questions, so why do I have to keep doing more and more math problems?"  There are probably a variety of good reasons for this.  But here is one:  Life often requires us to do the hard thing, to persevere, and to "hang in there" when we would just  like to give up.

The act of persevering is stimulating to the brain.  We are learning how to do the hard thing.  We are learning how to motivate ourselves, to organize activities, and to find ways of staying with them until completion.  All of this builds better neural systems in the brain.  Learning how to do anything builds neural networks.  Doing 20 math problems instead of two is building at least two different sets of neural networks--one for math, and one for perseverance.

If I could give my children just two sets of cognitive abilities, one would be to have a good sense of values, and the second thing, right behind it, would then be a good set of frontal lobe executive abilities.

The term "executive function" is not widely used in our culture--yet. It refers to the function of the prefrontal lobes.  Other lobes of the brain may have primary sensory  (e.g., visual or auditory) functions or primary motor function areas.  There are no such primary sensory or motor areas in the prefrontal lobes.  That is the area which ties everything together and makes things happen.  Hence it is termed the executive function area.  Think of a manufacturing business.  One part of it takes in raw materials.  Another arm of the business transforms raw materials into a product.  Another arm of the business ships out product.  Another arm of the business collects money.  But the executive administrative offices may not appear to be doing anything at first glance.  Yet they tie everything together and make things happen.  The same is true of the prefrontal region of the brain.  They tie everything together and make things happen.

My chance to teach executive functioning to my children is over. And fortunately, my grown children seem to have excellent executive functions. Maybe I will have a chance to do that next with grandchildren, although it won't be up to me how to structure my grandchildren's lives.

But I hope that in the midst of a loving, tender, caring home with good role models, that they will also have to learn to do the hard things in life.  (I am not saying to do the hardest things, but hard enough to develop those prefrontal neural networks.)  I hope that when they reach adulthood, their prefrontal regions have been well developed and well established.  Then, when combined with a good set of values, they will be in a good position to reach their goals.

Settling on a Parenting Philosophy

Many times parents are overwhelmed by the task of parenting. And too often they have never settled on a parenting philosophy. They are just "flying by the seat of their pants," reacting to each situation in turn.

What is a parenting philosophy? It is a guiding set of principles. It is essentially the answer to the question, "What is the most loving thing we can do for our child?"

Here are some questions to consider. Most or all of these do not have a "right" answer. Parents can discuss these without having to always agree. However, I do think that it is important for parents to know where they disagree, and I do think that it is important for parents to agree more than they disagree.

Questions to consider:

Are rewards or punishments more important in raising a child?

Pro Reward View: Punishments tend to have temporary effects. They may cause resentment, anger, and further rebellion. They do not model the positive behavior parents are generally trying to teach.
Pro Punishment View: Sometimes it is necessary to get the attention of the child. Rewards do not necessarily do that. Moreover, setting limits is important, and it is hard to set limits sometimes without there being a punishment included.


Do children do best when left to grow up "naturally," or do they need to have enriched environments and experiences to grow up best?

Pro "Natural" Viewpoint: Many children do grow up well without fancy education or extra experiences. My parents and parents-in-law did quite well with this viewpoint. Children have a natural tendency to explore their environment and learn.

Pro "Enrichment" Viewpoint: Studies have shown that highly stimulating and enriched environments lead to greater proliferation of nerve cell connections in the brain. Additionally, there is just too much to be learned in the modern world without children receiving assistance. Public schools cannot provide this for a variety of reasons, including financial costs. While children may have a natural tendency to explore their environment, they can also get sidetracked into computer games and the internet. They are not necessarily exploring the world in the way our parents did.


Do children need limits more, or praise and warmth more?

This is probably a false choice. They need both. But parents often choose to focus on one or the other more. You probably have a preference and parents will have less conflict over parenting if they are generally on the same side of this issue.

Is it okay to be inconsistent with a child, or is consistency extremely important?

Pro-Consistency Viewpoint: Without consistency, children can be confused. They can pit parents against each other. Children may learn to manipulate. Moreover, they need to learn to deal with real life, and real life has many instances of consistency. When we do certain things, there are negative consequences--touching a hot stove, overspending our credit card limit, and so on. If parents are inconsistent, then children may be surprised and angered when they grow up and these life consistencies fail to budge to their manipulation and complaining.

Pro-Flexibility: Life is too complicated for total consistency. Often there are extenuating circumstances. Often children have learned their lesson without the full punishment being meted out. Setting a good example might not always mean showing total consistency. Setting a good example might mean showing good parental judgement when there are extenuating circumstances.

Is it better to correct children and point out what they have done wrong, or to empathize with their feelings and try to understand why they did what they did?

Should consequences and punishments be mutually agreed upon by parents? Or is it okay for one parent to act unilaterally?

How long should punishments last for? Is it okay to to rescind a punishment once it is stated, or not?

How involved should parents be in helping a child to do their tasks, such as clean their room, etc.? Is it okay to help them, as a way of modeling behavior and making it fun, or is this coddling or enabling?

How important is it for a parent to set a good example and to lead by positive role modeling? Is it okay for the parent to do one thing but then tell the child to do something else?

When children misbehave, is the behavior to be seen as a result of being bad, making bad choices, or as a result of dysfunction (such as brain dysfunction, immaturity, or family dysfunction)?


Some of these are very hard questions. And you may not come up with answers to all of them. But it is better to consider them now, when your children are growing up, than later when they are adults.