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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Problem with Being Nice

In our culture, we often teach girls (and sometimes boys) to be "nice."  Nice people are easy to get along with.  And they probably serve an important function in our society, helping everyone to get along.  They are conciliators.  I enjoy being around nice people.

However, "nice" people are often not assertive.  They have been taught to sacrifice themselves and their own feelings for the sake of pleasing others.

In fact, one of the dictionary meanings of the word "nice," is "pleasing."  To be always pleasing to others can mean sacrificing ourselves and our own needs.  It can also cause anger to build up inside of us, so that it may eventually come out in a blow up.

There is nothing wrong with being "loving."  I would view being "loving" as an active emotion.  It can be very benevolent.  But it is not always "nice."  If a child is acting up and needs to learn better, prosocial behavior, they may need to have firm limits set on them.  And the same is often true for adults.  If we really care about someone else, we sometimes need to speak up to give them feedback about how they are behaving.  But this may not be perceived as "nice."

However, I am not advocating the opposite.  I am not advocating being grouchy, rude, unconsiderate, or aggressive.  Those attributes carry with them their own problems, both for oneself and for others.

Being "nice" can take its toll on a person.  It encourages passivity rather than activity and assertiveness.  Be benevolent.  Be loving.  Be active.  Be creative.  But watch out about being too "nice."

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