Teaching Children How to Do the Hard Thing

There are many theories about how to raise children, and many have a great deal of truth to them.   For example, I like the ideas emphasized by concepts such as nurturing, using positive reinforcement, modeling positive behavior, and so on.

I want to write today about one part that may be overlooked--the development of good frontal lobe functioning by teaching children to do the "hard" thing.

I remember one child saying to me in therapy, "I know how to do the (math homework) questions, so why do I have to keep doing more and more math problems?"  There are probably a variety of good reasons for this.  But here is one:  Life often requires us to do the hard thing, to persevere, and to "hang in there" when we would just  like to give up.

The act of persevering is stimulating to the brain.  We are learning how to do the hard thing.  We are learning how to motivate ourselves, to organize activities, and to find ways of staying with them until completion.  All of this builds better neural systems in the brain.  Learning how to do anything builds neural networks.  Doing 20 math problems instead of two is building at least two different sets of neural networks--one for math, and one for perseverance.

If I could give my children just two sets of cognitive abilities, one would be to have a good sense of values, and the second thing, right behind it, would then be a good set of frontal lobe executive abilities.

The term "executive function" is not widely used in our culture--yet. It refers to the function of the prefrontal lobes.  Other lobes of the brain may have primary sensory  (e.g., visual or auditory) functions or primary motor function areas.  There are no such primary sensory or motor areas in the prefrontal lobes.  That is the area which ties everything together and makes things happen.  Hence it is termed the executive function area.  Think of a manufacturing business.  One part of it takes in raw materials.  Another arm of the business transforms raw materials into a product.  Another arm of the business ships out product.  Another arm of the business collects money.  But the executive administrative offices may not appear to be doing anything at first glance.  Yet they tie everything together and make things happen.  The same is true of the prefrontal region of the brain.  They tie everything together and make things happen.

My chance to teach executive functioning to my children is over. And fortunately, my grown children seem to have excellent executive functions. Maybe I will have a chance to do that next with grandchildren, although it won't be up to me how to structure my grandchildren's lives.

But I hope that in the midst of a loving, tender, caring home with good role models, that they will also have to learn to do the hard things in life.  (I am not saying to do the hardest things, but hard enough to develop those prefrontal neural networks.)  I hope that when they reach adulthood, their prefrontal regions have been well developed and well established.  Then, when combined with a good set of values, they will be in a good position to reach their goals.