Keys to a Positive Marriage--Understanding and Preventing Escalation

I am fascinated by how arguments escalate in marriages--both in my own and in others.  Being married allows me to study this first hand, and I think I understand a few things about it.

First, I understand how easily it can happen.  It can happen more quickly than either partner expects and sometimes out of the clear blue sky.

Secondly, I understand that often feelings and arguments can escalate inside our own heads before we ever say anything out loud to our partner.  We can talk ourselves into an emotionally upset state to the point that we are unlikely  to be able speak calmly and rationally.  This makes it easy for the external escalation (i.e., what we actually say out loud to our partner) to occur.  It can occur quite rapidly because we have been thinking things in our head that we haven't yet said; but with a slight provocation, these things then spill right out.

Thirdly, I understand that most of the time escalation can be prevented.  It can be stopped early in the process. I believe that for most couples, escalation can be a decision rather than an uncontrollable chain reaction, if we have an awareness of ourselves, what we are doing, and why we are doing it.  We can decide whether we are going to escalate a discussion into an argument or not.

Fourth, I understand that many couples practically lose their heads in arguing.  (Translation: by "lose their heads" I mean give themselves over to emotional thinking rather than using the rational and logical thinking that their brains are capable of.) They often end up arguing over something very unrelated to the original issue.  In marital counseling sessions following a major argument or fight, they often can't tell me how the argument started or how it transformed from the original discussion topic to what they were fighting about at the end.  They don't remember.

Now, before going further, I need to clarify my terms.  I will talk more about this later, but in a nutshell are some words and phrases about marital communication and what I mean by them:
     talking--logical sharing of information
     arguing--heated sharing of thoughts and feelings; a debate; defensiveness; not really interested in hearing what the other person has to say, wanting to vent to the other person and to defend oneself against what they are saying.  Arguing is not helpful but is inevitable at times in any marrige.
     fighting--Fighting means that we want to hurt the other person with our words or hurt them physically.  We don't just want to win an argument, we want to batter them into submission and hurt them.

Talking can escalate into arguing, and arguing can escalate into fighting.  The arguing is inevitable, I think.  Every couple will argue at some point in their marriage, but I don't believe that it accomplishes anything.  Fighting is not inevitable.  It might be possible for a couple to go through 20 years of marriage and never intentionally hurt the other person just to hurt them.  (We might need to elevate them to sainthood, but I think it is possible.)  It is different to hurt someone accidentally because you are arguing and to hurt them on purpose.

Here is my suggestion, based on 35 years of my own marriage.  Don't escalate.  It can be hard, but it can be done.  How?

1.  Be determined not to escalate.  First you have to have a reason in our own minds not to pursue escalation.  We have to decide as individuals and as couples that escalation is not what we want and that it will not help us achieve our goals. That there is no reason to escalate things 99% of the time.  (Maybe 0.1% of the time there is such  an important principle at stake that you need to be willing to go "all the way" with the argument--arguments over child abuse, spousal abuse, illegal behavior, etc. come to mind)   We cannot ultimately win anything important through argument.  We can maybe win the argument about what type of car to buy.  But if winning causes resentment in the other person, then we haven't really won anything important.  My philosophy in my marriage is that I can't change my spouse through arguing.  And rarely, if ever, have I felt that I saw examples of one spouse change another.  That doesn't mean that people don't change; it just means that one person cannot directly change another through arguing and escalation.  I believe that I can suggest change.  I can give positive reinforcement for change.  But if I try to coerce change through escalation, nothing good comes of it.  And I believe most marriages are this way.

So, if we can't change our spouse for the better, then why escalate?  Probably most of us at one time or another just feel the need to vent our emotions.  And that is not all bad.  We are human beings after all; we are not saints.  Some emotional venting is necessary.

But escalation often brings with it damaging statements that we weren't planning on saying, things which can never be taken back.

Secondly, realize that one partner cannot escalate an argument all by themselves.  They can explode or become abusive, but an escalation of an argument requires two people.   Just like a comedian "funny guy" needs a straight man, and vice versa, for the act to work, true escalation needs both people to cooperate.  So either person has the power to stop it.  Keep that in mind.

Thirdly, if you are in a situation which can escalation, keep track of the back and forth comments.  I suggest using the "rule of two."  First, state your beef, what's bothering you.  Now, let's assume that your spouse becomes defensive.  They argue with what you said.  Perhaps they didn't understand what you said.  Perhaps it has become distorted in their minds.  Restate your point more clearly. 
And then,
And then,
shut up.

If they are starting to argue or escalate, don't follow up right then.  You have said what you have to say.  If they are upset, escalation can occur at this point.  If they are not upset, let the information roll around in their head for awhile.  Or if they are in a reasonable mood, then a good discussion can occur.  But if they wanting make it into an argument that would escalate, there is really no need to say anything else.  If there is going to be an argument, then they are not really likely to hear what you are going to say next, so why say it right then?  Say it at another time when they are calmer.

There are some interesting findings in learning research that suggest that if you want to learn something and want to transfer it from short term memory to long term memory, close your eyes after you read it or see it.  This prevents new information from crowding into working memory and competing with the first information.  the first information can be better consolidated and stored for the long term.

Similarly, if you follow up an initial important point with an escalating argument, the important intiial information can be crowded out by the subsequent arguing so that they other person does not end up remembering what you first said, which was what you really wanted them to hear. 

But what if your spouse wants to argue and wants to escalate?  That doesn't mean that you have to participate.  You can say that you have really already made your point.  You can clarify it as long as the discussion stays on topic and as long as you feel that you are staying in the talking stage, not proceeding to the arguing/debate/defensiveness stage.

Rember that you don't need to have the last word.  This may seem to contradict what I just said about the last thing seen or heard is what is remembered.  But in learning theory, people remember is most likely to be the first thing in a series or the last in a series.  While it was be advantageous for us to have the last word, that doesn't work in most arguments, because each person is struggling to have that last final comment.  That is what leads to escalation and even to getting sidetracked.  If we insist on having the last word, we are more likely to have escalation.  Both persons want the last word, and because each may be talking over the other, neither may really get that clear opportunity.  Moreover, since walls of defensiveness go up during arguments, getting the last word in a marital argument may not have that same advantage of being the last thing learned in a calm college list learning experiment.  So instead, settle on having the first word.  Bring up the issue calmly.  Then don't escalate.  It's easier when you have already decided that you are not going to try to have the last word.