Keys to a Positive Marriage--Building a Positive Cycle in Marriage

(This blog posting is an extension of my previous one on using positive reinforcement in marriage.)

How does one go about building a good marriage?  There are a variety of answers to this.  One concept I use in marriage counseling is the concept of positive reciprocity.

Reciprocity is the tendency that most of us have as humans to give back what we get.  Most of us are not so saintly that we want to give positive things to people who treat us badly.  We generally give back positives to people who treat us positively and negatives to people who treat us negatively.  That may or may not be a good idea in real life.  Religions have often emphasized the importance of not getting into negative reciprocity.  The importance of forgiveness has been emphasized in religion and even in modern psychology.  However, that is not the issue I want to get into right now.  The fact is that people being people, we can get into a cycle of giving back to others some type of negative interaction when they do something negative to us.  In life in general, this kind of negative reciprocity can lead to certain problems.  In marriage, it can be disastrous.

When we are dating, positive reciprocity between a couple usually abounds.  We are positive towards our partner, and they tend to be moe positive towards us.  They say and do nice things towards us, making us feel more positively towards them, and we in turn do and say complimentary things back, etc..

Unfortunately, as marriages age, reciprocal interactions can slide towards the negative.  Negative comments are made to us, and we feel inclined to dish it right back.  How does that come aboout?  How do we slide from positive to negative reciprocity?

First, we lose those incredibly positive feelings which were part of the initial bonding.  In the beginning of the relationship, there is that very special feeling.  Almost anything the other person does makes us feel special.  Just looking at a sunset with them can make us feel that way.  We can call it infatuation, falling in love, or whatever, but there is a distinctly chemical state in the brain which makes eveything about our partner more positive for us--at the beginning.  It is easy to maintain positive reciprocity in this state.

I believe that many couples confuse this early state of attraction with love in its deeper form.  It is easy to be positive towards someone who triggers such positive, biochemically inspired feelings.  But the type of love that can sustain a marriage has to go far beyond that.  It seeks the good of the other.  It is generally forgiving.  It values the other person for themselves and not just for what they can do for us; it does not always demand its own way.  When that type of love is present, then the slide to negative reciprocity is much less likely to occur.  But if we think that love is just the state of feeling good and being treated well by the other person, it is easy to start being negative and verbally aggressive.

If a cycle of negative interaction has begun, an intentional, deliberate focus on positive reinforcement may be able to lead back to that original “positive reciprocity.”  It would be unreasonable to expect this type of positive reciprocity immediately. But in the long run, when we want positive behaviors from our spouse, we are most likely to get them for ourselves if we have been giving them out freely.  By intentionally giving positive reinforcement to our partner, we can build a reservoir of good feeling. A sense of goodwill can carry a couple through problems.

Building positive reciprocity when there have been hurtful interactions may require you to reorient yourself to a new way of relating to the other person.  This can require us focusing on what they do “right” rather than what they are do “wrong.” It focuses away from blame and onto what the other person is doing "right."  (“Right” and “wrong” are put in quotes because these are usually defined in our own minds.  We may have very distinct ideas of them and "know" that we are right about them, but often times they are more our ideas than they are some type of universal truth.  But then, that's another blog.)  Simply paying attention to our partner's positive, constructive behaviors can have a beneficial impact on how we feel about them and how they feel about us.

To re-establish positive reciprocity doesn't come easily.  It can take time and determination.  Most of all, I think, it requires a deep understanding of love and forgiveness.  It requires us to be willing to look after the good of our partner and the good of the relationship, and not just what feels good to us in the moment.