Keys to a Positive Marital Relationship--Understanding the Difference between Arguing and Fighting

Language is a very powerful tool in relationships.  It can hurt; it can heal; it can solve problems. 
It useful to think through how we use language with our partners--to know how we are using it with them and how they are using it with us.  Through such knowledge we have more control over ourselves and more power to improve our relationships. We can mold our  language to be useful and healing rather than hurtful..

Let's look at three of the most important types of language in relationships: problem solving, arguing, and fighting.  These are not the only three ways language can be used, but they are three of the most common forms.  They might be referred to as "the good, the bad, and the ugly."

First, let's consider one of the most important of the positive ways that language is used in relationships--problem solving.  Problem solving can begin with providing information.  One spouse says, "The garage door is broken."  There is not necessarily an explicit call for something to be done here, although that may be implicit.  But this is just mainly providing information.   Asking questions is also important in problem solving.  "Do you know if it is under warranty?" would be an example.  The exchange of information can then be followed by suggesting alternative solutions and discussing the merits of the different possibilities. 

In problem solving, each person is open to hearing good ideas.  There may be disagreement, but each person is listening and considering what the other person has to say.  There is an old saying that two heads are better than one.  If each brain contains four billion neurons, then eight billion nerve cells working on a problem are better than four billion working on it.  But that only happens when we are open to hearing the other person's ideas.  Problem solving is generally positive, helpful, and constructive.  It hurts no one.  It fixes things.  It generally goes more smoothly than the next two forms of communication I am going to discuss.

A second way people relate to each other in difficult situations is arguing.  In arguing, we become angry. We become defensive.  It usually does not fix anything.  It is like two debaters.  They are not going to convince each other.  They are constantly thinking how to outwit the other person and win the debate.  They want to show that their own ideas are correct and superior.  They are figuring out how to create arguments that are more powerful than the arguments of the other person.  Arguing doesn't solve problems. but if it is brief and not prolonged it may not create many lasting problems either.  Arguing creates tension, but if arguing does not occur too much, then the tension usually dissipates. 

When we start arguing, we need to become aware that that is exactly what has happened.  Nothing productive is going to come of it because we are determined not to lose.  We are not interested in the truth because we think that we already know the truth.  We are not interested in the best problem solution, if it is different than what we already think it should be.  We want to win because we know we are right.  Our ears are stopped up, so to speak.  Nothing good comes of it, unless one or both parties shift back into a problem solving stance.

A third way of interacting in problem situations is fighting.  In my way of thinking, I make a strong distinction between arguing and fighting.  This may just be a definition, but I think that it is a very important distinction.  The difference between the two is the main reason I decided to write this post.  The way that I am using the term "fighting" here is that it involves intentionally hurting the other person emotionally or physically.  Fighting goes beyond arguing.  In arguing we may hurt the other person, but if so it is unintentional.  In fighting, we want to hurt the other person.  We curse; we push; we throw things; we hit.  We dredge up things out of the past which can be used to make the other person feel bad.  Fighting doesn't solve problems.  It creates problems.

Of course, there are many other types of communication--playful, sarcastic, nurturing, emotive, and so on.  Some of these have an important role to play in relationships; some don't.  But the point I would like to make in this post is the importance of being aware of where you are in the problem solving/arguing/fighting cycle. 

The cycle can be thought of vertically.
We may start by problem solving. (Some couples skip this stage.)
Then we may devolve into arguing. 
Then we may devolve into fighting.

By trying to stay focused on the problem solving stage of an argument, we may prevent some types of misunderstandings.  For example, sometimes a partner may mistake the other person asking for information as being sarcastic, commanding, or aggressive. I think most couples have at one point time or another misunderstood the intent of the other: "Have you taken out the trash yet?" can be misinterpreted as, "WELL, HAVE YOU GOTTEN OFF YOUR BUTT AND TAKEN OUT THE TRASH YET?" As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes a spouse's question is only a question and not a command or criticism.  By trying to stay in the problem solving mode, some of this can be avoided.

More importantly, by avoiding the fighting phase and staying as much as possible in the problem solving phase (with a unavoidable detour now and then into the useless arguing phase) we can keep from hurting our spouses and improve the overall health of our relationships.