On Forgiveness

Psychologists are increasingly looking at the importance of forgiveness in mental health.  It appears to have a positive impact on both physical and mental health.

What does forgiveness mean? The current research focuses on two types of forgiveness: the behavioral decision to forgive, and emotional forgiveness. We can decide not to do anything against someone (decisional forgiveness), and we can also emotionally let go of hard feelings (emotional forgiveness). In my way of thinking, forgiving means that we no longer are blowing on the embers of out anger towards someone. Moreover, when we forgive, we no longer want any retribution against them.  We not only decide that we are not going to retaliate against them, we also quit wishing them any bad luck or misfortune.  If we have really forgiven, we are free to wish good things to happen to them. That can be a very liberating freedom.  But forgiveness does not mean that we take someone back as our best friend and tell them our secrets.  It does not mean that we loan them money when they have proven to be untrustworthy in the past.  We do not forget in that sense.

In some ways, forgetting is impossible.  Our brains won't let us simply wipe events from our memories.  Consider the following example:
     Don't think about an elephant.
     Please, don't think about an elephant.
     Really!!! Don't think about an elephant!!!
And, of course, what do we do?  We think about an elephant.

But emotionally, we can do something similar to forgetting.  In forgiving, we let go of the energy and the attentional focus we are putting into a grudge.  Active forgetting may be impossible, but we can passively let our minds allow the offense to slide into the past, where it is remembered less and less.  The opposite of forgetting is to rehearse something.  We blow on the dying embers of a flame of anger to keep it alive.  When we hold a grudge, we want to make sure that we keep thinking about it.  Not rehearsing a grievance is possible.  We can be determined not to blow on the embers of a grievance just as we could choose not to blow on the red hot coals of a fire to keep it alive. 

What we can do is let the whole event drift away from us. It is like being on a boat in the middle of the lake.  We place something which floats into the water--a leaf, a toy boat, a piece of paper.  We can try to push it away, but it will only go so far when we push it.  But we can choose to let it drift away over time.  On the other hand, we can choose not to let it drift away; we can reach out and try to keep it near to us.  It's our choice--let it drift away or keep it near.

And that is how our mind works.  I know my mind does.  If I don't rehearse something, I tend to think of it less and less.  It is a positive aspect of the way that our brains work that we have the capacity for emotions to die down and slip into the past.

Her is another issue.  Can we--should we--avoid the person thereafter?  There is a great scene from the musical Fiddler in the Roof.  A man approaches the rabbi of a small Russian village.  He asks, "Rabbi, is there is a blessing for the czar?

"A blessing for the czar?" the Rabbi echoes.  "May God bless the czar and keep the czar, far away from us."

So maybe instead of the phrase "forgive and forget," we could use the phrase "forgive, let go, and avoid."  Maybe  avoidance is the wrong word here; it does sound kind of harsh.  But I am not sure what the right one would be.  As the rabbi said, "May God bless the Czar and keep the Czar--far away from us."  There is no sense continuing to expose ourselves to possible harm.

But let's end on a positive note.  When we forgive someone, we are free to wish them good and positive things in their life.  I don't necessarily mean mean money, or winning the lottery, or fame.  "Good things" are all in how you define them.  If someone has offended me, then when I forgive them, the good things I wish for them are happiness, good character, harmonious family relationships, and so on.  All of these are much more satisfying to most people than money--at least that's what I think the psychological research indicates.  This attitude of not carrying a grudge can free us up and be quite liberating.  It costs us nothing but can make our lives freer and happier.