Mindfulness Concept #2: Self Compassion

Principle 2.  Self Compassion

Thias, again, can be thought of as the flip side of cognitive therapy.  In cognitive therapy we try to reduce or even get rid of should statements.  Shoulds are often directed towards the self in a very self-punitive way.  We might say to ourselves, "I should have done better," "I should have studied more," etc. 

Consider this quote from Karen Horney regarding the "tyranny of the shoulds."  She described the attitudes of someone whose thinking is dominated by such thoughts:

 “He should be the utmost of honesty, generosity, considerateness, justice, dignity, courage, unselfishness.  He should be the perfect lover, husband, teacher.  He should be able to endure everything, should like everybody, should love his parents, his wife, his country; or, he should not be attached to anything or anybody, nothing should matter to him, he should never feel hurt, and he should always be serene and unruffled.  He should always enjoy life; or, he should be above pleasure and enjoyment.  He should be spontaneous; he should always control his feelings.  He should know, understand, and foresee everything.  He should be able to solve every problem of his own, or of others, in no time.  He should be able to overcome every difficulty of his as soon as he sees it.  He should never be tired or fall ill.  He should always be able to find a job.  He should be able to do things in one hour which can only be done in two to three hours.”

I have worked with people for years to eliminate the unnessary "shoulds" from their lives because they are unnecessary and because they usually cause feelings of tension, guilt, or inadequacy.  I like the concept of self-compassion because it works on the same issue but phrases it in a positive way.  Getting rid of unnecessary shoulds can be a step in self-compassion.

Some people are able to be compassionate towards others but not towards themselves.  We all make mistakes.  Sometimes they are big mistakes.  Sometimes we can make amends for what we have done, and sometimes we can't.  Either way,  we need to learn self-compassion.  We all engage in negative mental behaviors, such as ruminating, focusing on faults, etc.  We need self-compassion for those behaviors, too.  For people who are good only at compassion toward others, it may seem odd, peculiar, or even immoral to have compassion toward oneself.  It need not be. 

I'm not talking about murder here.  I'm talking about the tendency to be harsh on ourselves for unhealthy behaviors.  It might even be for something our therapist asked us not to do.  For example, I may suggest that someone try to eliminate the word "should" from their vocabulary.  For many patients, the next step is that they are telling themselves that they "shouldn't" use the word "should."  See the vicious cycle?  There is no vicious cycle with self-compassion.

Some might argue that self-compassion means that we will tolerate negative behaviors in ourselves.  That need not be true.  If I am aware that I am procrastinating, I can work on new ways to overcome that without beating myself with shoulds.  I can accept that this is a problem that I have had--for whatever reason--and at the same time be determined to move forward into a more healthy behavior.

Sometimes in the past, I have demonstrated metaphorically an attitude of calm self-compassion with a black rock on my table next to my chair.  I pretend that the black rock is a negative thought or negative behavior.  I proceed to slap the rock, as one metaphor for how people beat themselves up for their undesirable thoughts and behaviors.  Then I demonstrate nonverbally another approach.  I pick up the rock (the negative behavior) with the least amount of force and energy possible, and gradually set it aside out of my sight.  Behaviors can be set aside without energizing them further with self-blame.  And self-blame often does energize our negative thoughts and behaviors and make them worse.